Waking up one morning to the departure of yet any loved one was a very interesting experience for me. The emotions I expected to feel were not there but instead, I was experiencing something new – something I never thought I would experience. You see for me, being alone is not something new and therefore the thought of it doesn’t leave me in a panic. Being with someone and having someone love you unconditionally with the promise of sticking it out – now that’s foreign territory for me.

Maybe I should lay the foundations first. You see I’m not the only child but I might as well be. I grew up in a loving home with parents that showered me with attention and basically anything I wanted or needed. But for many reasons I couldn’t explain, I was always by myself. The person who I felt loved me the most in this world left me at the age of 14. Basically everyone who has ever promised me forever always left before the time was up. So I learnt to adapt. I learnt to survive on my own. I learnt to believe only in my ability to thrive on my own. And it worked for me. That is why I didn’t understand what was happening in my head at that moment.

Love is a very strange thing. I know all the right things to say on the topic of love because I’ve listened to the best teachers speak on how love is or should be. My reality however is somewhat different. Please don’t misunderstand me. I am loved. My family, my friends and so on ‘love’ me. But the concept of love I am exploring is the one where I feel loved. That creates very different realities because someone could be telling you they love you and you feel or see no evidence of that.

That morning I awoke tired and feeling nothing. That is the only way to explain it. I expected to feel pain or anger or bitterness but instead, I felt nothing of that sort. I awoke thinking of how to re-adjust my life; how to carry on; how to make sure that my heart doesn’t break into a thousand pieces leaving me with nothing but emptiness. That’s when I realised that something was seriously wrong. My feelings have nothing to do with how I’m supposed to feel according to someone else’s standards but everything to do with what I expected to feel because of a ‘life-time’ of love for another that was now walking out on me with no explanation I fully understood.

Maybe that is where the problem lies. I forgot what it was like to be in this place again. For some time now, I’ve had the same people ‘love’ me and they stayed. So I started to believe that things were different. That these ones are the ‘forever loving’ kind. I allowed myself to believe that loving me could last and as I tend to love completely, they would too. But the promise of love and the actioning of love are two very different realities.

Why else are there so many couples out there that start off totally in love or whatever and end up in divorce with nothing but regret and hate shaping their relationship? Going into something with a back up plan means that you expect it to fail and it will fail because it has no other choice but to do so. I never wanted to be a bitter person. So I taught myself a method that worked. Never fully believe when someone makes a claim that they are capable of loving you for life. Always allow room for disappointment. Let the surprise be that they stay as opposed to the surprise being that they are walking out (again!) on you.

I know several people who think like me. I used to think it was a means of guarding my heart and preventing hurt. After all, we all hear the saying ‘prevention is better than cure’. But as my best friend was telling me recently, to live life like that is not to live life at all. She was complaining that being guarded was preventing her from experiencing all of me and lecturing me on the idea of trust. But like I said originally, the concept of love is not in the idea of love, but in the reality of it.

I can never guarantee what another human being would do or feel towards me. The only thing I can guarantee is my response and action towards that human being. This whole idea for me is actually a little hypocritical. I ‘preach’ that we should all love totally and trust that the other person would do the same. But for me, this has not produced anything of worth. Just heart-ache and pain and misery and loneliness. Maybe the feeling I was experiencing that morning was actually pain. Maybe I don’t want to be walked out on anymore. Maybe I’m angry at the way the events occurred. Whatever the case, I know that having this attitude is keeping me from fully experiencing and enjoying life and all its intricacies.

I’ve come to realise that I possess an inner strength I wasn’t aware was there previously.   I believe it comes from recognising that I don’t have a RIGHT to be loved by that person.  That’s not to say that they shouldn’t but the ‘loving feeling’ I get when the person shows ‘love’ doesn’t end when they stop.  That probably makes no sense to some but I’ll elaborate another time.

I guess what Im trying to say is I no longer feel alone just because someone else has left. I’m still loved.  I’m coming to see that some people are not meant to be your ‘forever’ and holding on to them is what causes the pain and hurt but that doesn’t mean that you can’t love them still. Like I said at the beginning, having someone love me unconditionally with the promise of forever is new to me. That’s most probably why I’m feeling nothing as opposed to empty. I don’t have a sense of ending as I normally have in situations like this. Instead I’m re-adjusting as needed and carrying on.

What can I say? Life is a learning experience. My mentor always says we are students of life and for life. Well, here’s another learning curve. I’m still learning this lesson. As for the loved one that’s leaving, I still feel nothing but there’s no hopelessness about the situation. It’s just another turn in the road. Enjoying life is to love – completely. I hope to learn this lesson sooner rather than later.