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Cant explain it but I’m going insane

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blah It’s so easy to focus on the negative points in our lives. We somehow seem to miss all the good that is happening to us and just focus on the bits that are not going according to plan. This is the easiest way to get stuck in a rut. You simply just wake up one morning and the only way to describe what you’re feeling (or in some cases, not feeling) is ‘blah’.

I’ve been feeling quite blah for about a week or two. Last month, I had a lot of good happen to me. I was constantly smiling and my friends were always having to listen to me go on about another great thing that had happened to me. It was an hourly thing; it seemed every hour on the hour something good, no matter how small or trivial, was happening.

Somehow though, at the back of my mind, regardless of all the things I seem to have going for me, there were some things that seemed to stick out.  Things that I had wanted for so long and having been expectant for as long as I have been, somehow, from somewhere, everything just blew up in my face.  I woke up one morning, unconscious to the fact that I had put a time limit on the things I was hoping for, the slightest hitch or screw-up pushed me over the edge.

That was when I started experiencing that ‘blah’ feeling. It was also at this point that I discovered the dangerous heights of unfulfilled hope. As in any situation, when you hope for something or your expectations have been raised about something, even the slightest glitch could cause it all to come crashing down. It could be at Christmas, waiting for a gift that has been sent from a distant relative. Upon opening the gift, instead of having a feeling of euphoria as you were expecting to have, all you feel is ‘blah’.  Even if you had no idea what the gift was; even if you weren’t expecting anything or you were but don’t know what you’re expecting, you still wanted to be blown away. Instead, upon opening the parcel, you’re not blown away; you’re not even slightly impressed.

It can send anyone into the pits of depression; it nearly did with me.  Raised expectations or hope (could be the same thing) are really quite dangerous when they are not fulfilled within the time you expected that they would be. It could be a crush you had. You had fantasised about the person before you got to know them and in your mind, they are the ideal person for you. But then you get to know them, and you find out that they are just as imperfect as you and then, that ‘blah’ feeling rears its ugly head again and bites you in the butt.
We are all different so the ways we react to things are different. One constant I have found for me is that when that ‘blah’ feeling threatens to eclipse every area of my life and send me spiralling into new depths of despair, getting away from it all and re-focusing really helps. I start to think about any good thing that has ever happened to me. Even though at this time I tend to develop amnesia and can’t seem to remember any of the good things, what I then do is enlist the help of a trusted friend or family member to remind me. I also shift the focus off myself.
In addition, I find that allowing myself time to grieve my loss (that’s what it feels like) is healthy so I do but I always remind myself that though it feels like the end, it isn’t all over yet! Hope is good. To hope is to live but failed hopes can destroy you. I’ve come to realise that the reason why we feel so ‘blah’ is because we feel helpless and can’t control whatever has happened and that leaves us vulnerable which of course is never a good place to be.

This life is a mystery that we are all attempting to uncover with every step of our journey. A wise person once said ‘A wise person learns through other person’s mistakes. A fool learns through his own’. I’ve learnt the hard way (but I ain’t no fool!) that allowing the little things to cause you to wallow in self pity and compromise yourself only fails you. What you can rely on to work is allowing yourself time to take in the pain, then re-group
and think what the next course of action should be and then carry it through. It’s never easy but who ever said it would be? Dwelling on what we’ve lost causes us to look sight of what we are yet to gain. Personally, I’m not about to let that happen. Are you?!

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