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Laying on my back

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Hispanic BeautyJust felt like I needed to take a walk – some time alone.  Funnily enough, there’s nothing wrong.  Just need some air.  So much going on in my head yet it’s the silence that engulfs me.  No escape from it; not sure I want to.

I’ve been walking for so long. My legs are starting to burn.  Damn.  I forgot my cash card. Great. I’m gonna have to walk all the way back.  I was trying to avoid the familiar but seems like my subconscious wont let me rest.  I’m back in front of the restaurant.  The one I swore I would avoid. Too many memories.  Maybe I am a whore.

It can’t be.  No – just keep walking.  Oh my goodness.  It is you.  A brief hug and a kiss on the cheek.  No – I’m just taking it easy.  Walking off some heat.  That got a laugh out of you. I really should go.  I can predict what would happen if I stay.  You ask for my company to the restaurant.  I say no. You ask why. Oh – why can’t I think of anything you’d believe?  Maybe I do want to go.

How did I end up here? In your apartment? I don’t even want to watch this stupid movie! OK. Make up an excuse and leave.  You really should get back anyway. You promised yourself no more of this – stick to it.  No No No. Don’t touch me.  Why do you have to look at me like that?

I’m in your bed and now I cant hear myself think.  I don’t want to. I know what the thoughts would be.  They would be – stop! You shouldn’t be doing this. But I don’t know if I want you to stop.  I want to feel you and I’m not ashamed of that. Why are you looking at me like that?

Damn – why did you stop?  No talk of love here – let’s just do this. What?  You love who? C’mon. You don’t love me. You love the idea of me.  Hell – I don’t love me! Boy, you had better finish what you started and shut the hell up. Why wont you just take what I’m offering and get it over with? You’ve done it many times before.

Look. I know you somehow think we’re kindred spirits but this isn’t love.  I give you my body and you take it. Just enjoy it.  Gee.  When did you become so soft? You were always the player and now you’re acting like a sucker. Listen. I don’t know how to do this. Be someone you or anyone would want to be with. I’m not that girl.

Stop. Now look what you’ve done.  Making me cry.  Goodness. Just take me home. I can handle men that use me. I don’t know what to do with men like you.  I’ve heard it all my life that all I’m good for is laying on my back.  You added to that time and again when you did all kinds to me.  Now you reformed? You want to ‘love’ me? I can’t handle this.

I know I haven’t prayed in a while.  Been no reason to. Its not like anyone listens right? OK Well OK. I’ll take a shot at it. If there is a God up there or wherever I’m asking for you to help me.  I can’t do this any more. I know I’m not worth much.  But maybe you could love me anyway? I have nothing to give and all the men that have run through me have taken all I could have given so maybe if there’s a layaway system or something? All I know is I want out. Here’s my cry for help.  I’m not worth much but I’m ready to work my way through.

I’m so tired tonight. I hope there is a God because there’s got to be more to life than what I’ve been dealt. Otherwise, I should just end it here. Or maybe not. Where’s that Bible that church woman gave me the other night??? Oh boy, I’m definitely losing it.  Oh, I’m going back out.

4 Comments »

  • frontierville said:

    Frantically bummed and desire I had writer stunning conclusion

  • kitesurfing hel said:

    im not trying to become impolite here but i might be ashamed to add content this silly on my blog. no offence.

  • admin said:

    @kitesurfing hel – why would you be ashamed? especially as the content is far from silly…

  • Jeff said:

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