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screamingchildI have always had many opinions on how the breakup of a committed relationship would work. I can’t pinpoint when I picked up the different ideas I had but I do know I was extremely opinionated and highly expressive about those opinions. Then reality hit in the form of the break down of MY committed, thought-it-was-forever relationship. All of a sudden I found myself in foreign waters unable to find a  friendly shore!

To put it all in context I must explain that prior to this relationship, everything else was classed as an ‘encounter’. My first real ‘boyfriend’ was at the age of 17 and after his no-good trifling self everyone else had to be content with no official title. I simply encountered them, took the moments for whatever they were and kept it moving. There was the ‘I just got out of a relationship but really like you’ encounter. Then I had the ‘instant chemistry but unsustainable in the real world’ encounter. Oh and I can’t forget the ‘I have three kids with three different baby mamas (by 21!) but need to have you girl’ encounter. None were ever given their official titles whatever those were. But my last ‘boyfriend’ was more than an encounter. He was the ‘I want forever with you girl. Let’s rock the waves of life together’ world domination type. He steam rolled into my world and I gave everything.  From my numerous connections to my awesome friendships to career enhancement tools – I was Miss giving.

Then it ended. It wasn’t pretty. But then again the end of things that are meant to be forever aren’t pretty. I retreated. All my opinions on how things would work were thrown out of the window. I didn’t have the energy to spread his faults around town (and I didn’t want to). I didn’t burn his clothes or have my boys threaten him. I simply retreated. I found solace in my amazing network of friends. And I still loved him. I found that love is not so easy to switch off from no matter how angry/disgusted/infuriated by someone you are. So I tried to find my peace whilst being outwardly polite whenever the occasion arose. I chose not to defame him. I helped preserve his dignity where ever I could and found a way to separate the actions from the man.

See what I mean!!!! It’s pure craziness. Had it been someone else going through my situation I KNOW my advice would have been ‘burn his clothes girl – right now!’ ‘Put his trifling self out to air on every social network tool you can’ ‘help other sisters know to stay away because he is unstable as hell!’  But I did not do any of that. Worse still the desire to do it simply wouldn’t appear!

Well that is till I found out he still wanted all the perks he got through the relationship. Like the encouraging words. Like my amazing friends. Nothing unleashes the beast in me like someone not knowing when to take what they’ve been given and get gone! You see I know I don’t own anyone even if you met them through me. I don’t lay claims to anyone but me. But if you decide you don’t want me in your life, I don’t believe you have a right to anything you gained whilst you had access. Period! Keep it moving. The perks only come as part of a packaged deal. You signed the contract and now you’ve reneged, so you don’t get to keep the car, the house or anything else. No sir! You walk out with what you came in with. Yessir! I’m having none of it. I don’t care if it sounds selfish or even childish. I’m willing to be respectful, polite and whatever else. But that you do not get to have that.  Nope!

It was in contemplating this that I realised that even with all the opinions I came in with, this was the only one that I hadn’t considered till it hit me full force in the face. I know how shallow we can all be (yes even you!). We all think we know everything about everything because it happened to your mum’s sister’s best friend’s daughter’s colleague. But till you experience something for yourself, you just don’t know how you’re going to handle it. I have surprised even myself with the integrity with which I have handled myself. This one issue isn’t something I’m ashamed of and maybe time would make me softer about it. But till then, I’m willing to admit that my previous opinions were nothing more than air! And before you judge me, check yourself.  What actions have you taken that have contradicted your previous stance? Be honest now!

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