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The good in goodbye!

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“Thank God I found the good in goodbye!” Ladies everywhere – can I get a full blown HALLELUJAH! I was sitting on my desk working on a million things at once when I first heard Beyonce’s song. Fresh out of a breakup that had my head spinning and my heart feeling trampled meant that I was more prone than usual to getting distracted. So over the last few months I had developed new ways of keeping my mind focused on a task. One way was listening to the radio in the office to keep my mind from forever wandering.

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My boss must have thought I had lost my mind when the big YES that accidentally (yet very loudly!) escaped from my lips that first time took her by surprise.  You see, I was already over the breakup.  I had already seen that being with someone who doesn’t want you does neither party any good.  I could see he had moved on. So why was I the sucka crying every night missing someone who didn’t miss me? NAH! I had dried my eyes and found my happy again.  Then that song!

You see, I’m someone who has always been comfortable in my own skin and believe that love will find me whenever the time is right. I wasn’t in a rush to enter a serious relationship and I sure wasn’t looking for anyone when he found his way into my life and heart. But I jumped in with both feet. I worked hard at the relationship. I gave it my all and though Lord knows we were both flawed, I was willing to learn and grow with him.  That was until he decided he preferred any other option but me.   The loving he was getting wasn’t enough and after making me feel like I was worth less than dirt, he made his exit. I was left shattered.

As with anything else I have to deal with, I first turned inward to examine myself and deal with my shattered heart. I don’t love easy so when I do, I love hard. I tolerated things I would NEVER have thought I would. The few friends who knew the whole story were shocked at how much I let him in and the power I let him have over my mind, body and everything else. It was definitely an experience.

I find music can reach into the depths of me and put words or emotions to my state of mind at the most unexpected of times.  And so it was the day I stumbled on the song in question. It was so apt. I was at the time finally seeing the good in goodbye. I was understanding that it takes two to make a relationship work and you just can’t go about it on your own. I was exhausted after my relationship ended more so because I felt like I had failed. I was fully committed to something and gave everything to see it succeed only for the other person to turn around and tell me I am just not enough. It was pain like I had never felt. I wanted to curl up somewhere and never get up.

But I did get up. I carried on with my day-to-day. I put a smile on my face and made myself focus on the things that needed doing. Somewhere along the way, I found reasons to smile again. I found my confidence and I developed pride in the way I had conducted myself right to the end. I saw that it was indeed his loss. My sense of worth that his words had stripped me off were restored and more by the numerous people who knew me and the new ones who saw beauty in me and wanted to explore.

Looking back, I see that I had a lot to learn and I made my mistakes too. But I didn’t deserve what I was left with. I’ve heard it said that anger eventually burns itself out and when it did, I was able to deal with the other emotions that were floating around in me threatening to break me and leave me embittered.  But no one has the right to make me something I’m not. I am not angry, bitter, and worthless or anything other nonsense I was feeling. Thank God he blew it or I would never have realised my capacity for tolerating the unacceptable (so I can fix it!). In it all I found that my capacity to love is bigger than everything – shocking considering how guarded I had been in the past.

Considering that Beyonce is beautiful, talented and ruling the world, its hard to imagine her ever feeling as rejected as I did or as hurt. But thank God someone somewhere found a way to put words to my (and numerous other people’s) feelings out there. Different situations but same emotions. From the guy who got some other chick pregnant while with you or the chick who was passing herself out among the fellas whilst you ‘kept’ her – none deserves your tears.  You must find a way to see that you dodged a bullet because if they weren’t for you, you don’t want them anyway.  Whoever he (or she!) is, I bet it sucks to be them right now.

Find your happy people…

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