For me though, I find the causes for breakups so puzzling. What could separate two people who have found joy and love in each other? It’s such a rare thing to find someone you feel connected to – who gets you and all your eccentricities. Surely you cleave tightly to each other and never let go?

That is the most basic way I could look at it and I’m aware of that fact. Firstly, just because two people connect doesn’t assure smooth sailing. Life happens in between. The two people are also different – their backgrounds, perspectives, ambitions, intentions and desires amongst many other things are completely different no matter how much they make each other laugh. The things that make them tick and stick – all different.

But assuming it all falls into place and you meet your great love. And he/she is also at the same point as you. You both realise what a treasure you’ve found in each other and you make the decision to commit to each other only. What can make one person decide to leave. There’s been nothing major that is obvious that could, to the outside eye, cause the separation. Just one person deciding to explore different options. Why?

I find the decision to hold out for something better once you’ve made a committment to another person very puzzling and that’s where I want to focus my questioning? What made you change your mind? What caused you to decide you could do better than the person who has stood by you and supported you through your mess? I recently heard of a couple who split after 38 years of marriage simply because one party decided they want to explore other people. What about all the promises made? Do they count for nothing?

A friend of mine is currently nursing a broken heart and is inconsolable. She has been with her boyfriend for 4 years seeing him through the loss of his mother, his sister’s stint with cancer and unemployment. Yet one day he turned around to her and said he wants to date other people. What?? She is beautiful, intelligent and accomplished yet she made him feel like a king because she was In love. Jaded doesn’t describe how she’s feeling.

So that leads me back around to my questions. What could separate two people who have promised each other the world? Why should whatever reason you just thought of factor in the equation? We are all selfish by nature but surely when it comes to matters of the heart we are all about giving to the other person? Or have I got this all backward?

What is the formula for keeping your love once you find it?

My boss must have thought I had lost my mind when the big YES that accidentally (yet very loudly!) escaped from my lips that first time took her by surprise.  You see, I was already over the breakup.  I had already seen that being with someone who doesn’t want you does neither party any good.  I could see he had moved on. So why was I the sucka crying every night missing someone who didn’t miss me? NAH! I had dried my eyes and found my happy again.  Then that song!

You see, I’m someone who has always been comfortable in my own skin and believe that love will find me whenever the time is right. I wasn’t in a rush to enter a serious relationship and I sure wasn’t looking for anyone when he found his way into my life and heart. But I jumped in with both feet. I worked hard at the relationship. I gave it my all and though Lord knows we were both flawed, I was willing to learn and grow with him.  That was until he decided he preferred any other option but me.   The loving he was getting wasn’t enough and after making me feel like I was worth less than dirt, he made his exit. I was left shattered.

As with anything else I have to deal with, I first turned inward to examine myself and deal with my shattered heart. I don’t love easy so when I do, I love hard. I tolerated things I would NEVER have thought I would. The few friends who knew the whole story were shocked at how much I let him in and the power I let him have over my mind, body and everything else. It was definitely an experience.

I find music can reach into the depths of me and put words or emotions to my state of mind at the most unexpected of times.  And so it was the day I stumbled on the song in question. It was so apt. I was at the time finally seeing the good in goodbye. I was understanding that it takes two to make a relationship work and you just can’t go about it on your own. I was exhausted after my relationship ended more so because I felt like I had failed. I was fully committed to something and gave everything to see it succeed only for the other person to turn around and tell me I am just not enough. It was pain like I had never felt. I wanted to curl up somewhere and never get up.

But I did get up. I carried on with my day-to-day. I put a smile on my face and made myself focus on the things that needed doing. Somewhere along the way, I found reasons to smile again. I found my confidence and I developed pride in the way I had conducted myself right to the end. I saw that it was indeed his loss. My sense of worth that his words had stripped me off were restored and more by the numerous people who knew me and the new ones who saw beauty in me and wanted to explore.

Looking back, I see that I had a lot to learn and I made my mistakes too. But I didn’t deserve what I was left with. I’ve heard it said that anger eventually burns itself out and when it did, I was able to deal with the other emotions that were floating around in me threatening to break me and leave me embittered.  But no one has the right to make me something I’m not. I am not angry, bitter, and worthless or anything other nonsense I was feeling. Thank God he blew it or I would never have realised my capacity for tolerating the unacceptable (so I can fix it!). In it all I found that my capacity to love is bigger than everything – shocking considering how guarded I had been in the past.

Considering that Beyonce is beautiful, talented and ruling the world, its hard to imagine her ever feeling as rejected as I did or as hurt. But thank God someone somewhere found a way to put words to my (and numerous other people’s) feelings out there. Different situations but same emotions. From the guy who got some other chick pregnant while with you or the chick who was passing herself out among the fellas whilst you ‘kept’ her – none deserves your tears.  You must find a way to see that you dodged a bullet because if they weren’t for you, you don’t want them anyway.  Whoever he (or she!) is, I bet it sucks to be them right now.

Find your happy people…

On a more local level, my dilemmas have included or been impacted by all of the above.  From wars to victories to the royal wedding, I have had my fair share in varying arenas of my life. I have struggled with the rest of you to keep afloat and make the most of the year.  This is nothing new in recent years you might say. It has been a continuous cycle as the world struggles to find its feet and individuals like you and me adjust to ever changing circumstances. Through it all however, there has been one new factor thrown into the mix which has pushed its way in.

As I stepped back and reflected on the year, I was thrown by one glaring fact. My relationships had single-handed overshadowed everything else that had come my way.  Financial issues. Job losses. Beyonce’s pregnancy. North Korea. None of these compared to the rollercoaster that was my relationships. No loss was as great as the losses suffered in this arena or victory as sweet as those encountered here. I laughed like I hadn’t laughed in a long time. I cried with more passion than I thought possible. My heart was broken, mended, smashed and patched up so many times I lost track at number 57,698.

In our life span, we have many people who come through and leave an imprint.  Some are very definite whilst others are fainter but no less impactful.  Our relationships with our families, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, teachers, bosses, boyfriend/girlfriend, exes, business partners and so on all contribute to what makes a year colossal in greatness or heart wrenching in collapse.  Yet most of the relationships in our lives have a time span.  Like all perishable products, relationships expire.  The difference here is there is no ‘use-by’ date noticeably displayed so you know when to move on.  This is particularly dangerous as those you choose to associate yourself with can have an impact on your finances, your health, your future and opportunities.

Towards the end of last year, I had to make the difficult but utterly necessary move to cut out people in my life who were not adding any value.  It was a harsh reality that became a necessity when one of my childhood friends yet again caused me such distress that I was in a state of paralysis for several weeks and had to go undercover just to recover.  That was when it hit me.  The relationship I was so fervently holding on to had expired about 3 years prior to my ‘walking out’ moment.  The interesting fact was that though I had faced the harshness of redundancies, displacement, debt all within the same year, I was not left as utterly devastated as I was with the knowledge that this relationship was now at its end.

At the start of a new year or even at the end of each quarter, the last thing most people do is re-evaluate the relationships that they have carried over.  Whilst making resolution lists, most people fit in things such as weight loss, or a new course of study or more travelling or calling your mother more but no one seems to include cutting ties to that ex-boyfriend that calls every two weeks to keep you open should his other prospects fall through. Or severing communication between yourself and that distant relative (your mother’s  classmate’s older brother’s wife’s younger sister) that constantly reminds you that you are STILL not married yet and getting on in age.  Or it could be that friend that always seems to turn every conversation back to her while contributing absolutely nothing of value to you. The list goes on.

I have used extreme examples but there are more subtle ones that are more personal to you should you put your relationships under review. It could be the person in your life who continuously teases you in public places and makes you doubt yourself. Or someone you keep close by just to prove to him or her you can make something of your life contrary to everything else they’ve said to discourage you.  As I found first hand, cutting ties to people who have proved to be an encumbrance to your progress is a hard road.  Especially as in my case, their only crime was that the relationship was taking more mental and emotional strain on me than I appreciated.  They did not doubt me or put me down.  They simply wore me down with the little dramas that no longer fitted in with where I was on my journey.

I have made no resolution lists. I simply want to make everyday count. I want to be working towards a goal so at the end of 2011, I can look back and say, yes there have been wars and crisis but I have been able to achieve what I set out to and was not derailed by a relationship that had long since gone past its expiration date. I want to be open to meeting new people and recognising their roles in my life. You are not made to cleave to every Tom, Dick and Tunde who comes into your life.  Maximise each relationship but know when to let go. It will breed a lot less headache for the new year than that weight loss programme you have signed up to which you know will leave a dent on your wallet and gut – and not in a good way! So maybe now is the time.  If you must have a resolution list my recommendation would be to examine what it is you want to get out of 2011 and start listing all those who propel you forward towards your desires either mentally, physically or emotionally. These should be your core people.  Everyone else is either baggage or family. Take your pick.

The word love has been glamorized in the media and in our minds.  When we think of love, we imagine walks in the park, sharing a desert, dancing to music in the night, pillow fights, beautiful conversations, making love all night long and all the nice things portrayed in movies and novels.  These things are indeed beautiful and hence we believe love is beautiful.

But this is the problem.  How can love be beautiful when at its deepest, love can be hurtful, love is suffering, and love can be painful.  This writer dares to say love is not these beautiful things but rather that love is ugly.

There is a belief that to be in love, we must experience all these beautiful things to validate the love.  But that cannot be right.  Take an example of an old couple who have been together for 25 years.  The couple cannot be expected to make love all night long for fear of cardiac arrests.  Nor will they probably have conversations till the early hours of the morning because they must have said it all in the past.  But there is no doubt that after 25 years, it must be love keeping them together.

Their love is refined and has stood the test of time.  Staying with someone for 25 years takes a lot of hard work, compromise, suffering, patience, and humility.  These are painful things that one must go through before you can truly say you love someone.  For how can you say you love someone and not be ready to compromise?  Compromise is an act of selflessness which goes beyond the normal human behavior for human beings are not born altruistic.  But compromise is painful and comes at the expense of your pride and ego.

This writer only realized what true love was when he stripped away his pride and ego to beg for the forgiveness of the one he loved even though she did him wrong in the first place.   To complicate matters, she had already started seeing someone else quite soon after the break up and this writer was still willing to overlook that and ask her back.  This is difficult for a man to do because a man is his ego and quashing that ego is as good as emasculating him.  Unfortunately this is not one of those stories that ends happily ever after and this writer had to endure rejection from the one he loved and once shared his life with.

And we have heard so many stories like this one and some a lot worse about the pain that comes with love.  A pain so great, so many love souls are willing to defy all logic and sell their self worth to make the pain go away.  A pain so great that even the God of the universe sacrificed his only son for the sake of love.

You know you are in love when you are ready to endure suffering for the sake of the one.  You know you are in love when you are ready to compromise your self-worth for the object of your affection.  You know you are in love when you are willing to embrace the weaknesses of your other half even if these flaws are detrimental to your happiness.  How can love be beautiful then?

Yet we still love and love again.  Yet we still hurt and suffer more.   For everyone that says ‘I love you’ must be tested.  You can never really prove how much you love someone till you show how much pain you are willing to suffer for them.  True love and perfect love is shown at the point of the most suffering.  It is at this most painful point, when all is said and done, when all facades are peeled away, that you still stand there for the sake of love.

I conclude by reminding us of that popular quote; ‘Love conquers all”.  There can be no conquest without a fight. There can be no fight without enduring pain.

Do you still love me?

Isn’t life just grand?! Now I know everyone has one of those days where you’re just reflecting on things you’ve been through in your life.  People who have hurt you, things that you have had to struggle and fight through.

Well I’m having one of those moments.  I’ve been through some things in my time – some good, some bad and some were just plain ugly.  Now I’m talking about the kind of issues you go through that are so fat, so bald, so ugly you end up wondering ‘How did I end up here?’

As a female, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that some proportion of these issues have something to do with the gender ‘male’.  Well let me ease your misery.  The issues that I will share with you during the course of this piece might be the fat, balding, grimy and UUUUGGGGLLLLYYYY kind. The kind that most women (or at least me and my girlfriends) have been through that leaves you on the verge of insanity.

I was about to go to bed when I had a thought that stopped me in my tracks.  It was so mind-boggling, so utterly shocking that I had to write it down.  Here it is.  Why o why would a man spend all his time, money and energy chasing after a girl if at the end of it all, he’s just going to act the fool?!

Now I know this is a question that women have been asking for centuries but I’m very much concerned with an answer that works for me right now.  The truth is I’ve been on the receiving end of such affections and it ended up in tears – MY tears.  I know I’m not the only one who has this question or even the only one who has been through this experience but let’s attempt to shed some light on it shall we?

It still amazes me when I see other women, young and old, going through the motions I went through and coming out with the same results I did.  I went through it with my first ever boyfriend.  Before him, I had never had any serious relationships, merely casual dates with friends that never went anywhere. There was no boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship before I met this dude, who for all intents and purposes I’m going to label ‘Mr Not Serious’.

I’ve always enjoyed my freedom and when I met Mr Not Serious, I was not looking for a relationship, at least not with him.  I actually really liked his friend, Mr So Fine.  Mr So Fine was very cute and all my friends wanted him.  Difference was he wanted me!

Now in my eyes Mr Not Serious was not as cute as Mr So Fine.  He didn’t walk with the same swagger or approach me with the same smooth lines and so didn’t have a shot in hell.  Mr So Fine and I got along for a short period as very good friends but never really made the steps to being anything else.  It all sort of faded away into oblivion and that was that.

The point is Mr Not Serious didn’t give up.  For three years I had flowers, poetry, even had music written about me.  He was so persistent that he became the best thing since iced tea in my eyes after a while.  Ladies, have you noticed that a guy can be so determined to get you that after a while, he stops being irritating and starts being safe?

I don’t know how it happened but before I knew it, he was my first point of call on a bad day and occasionally on good ones.  I got so used to the red carpet treatment that I decided to give him a chance.  Boy what a mistake!  I got so far involved with Mr Not Serious that it almost became an obsession.  He went from being an absolute dream to being my worst nightmare – but I couldn’t get out, I was too far in.  I gave him everything – EVERYTHING – just to have him tell me that he could leave me at any time and I should just move on and forget him.

He started disappearing for weeks with no contact and would come back out of the blue with the most bizarre stories.  It was living hell!  I was tortured and tormented all in the name of love and the fact that I had invested too much in the relationship to get out!  Pride was not an issue, it was all lost in the hope that if I gave it all, he might find some reason to stay and give some back.

That didn’t happen. He’d spent over three years trying to woo me just to finally get with me and pretty much waste the chance of really having me.  That might sound drastic and harsh and so many questions such as ‘Why did you stay?’ might be asked but it was too late for questions.  I finally cut loose because thankfully I had not lost all respect for myself and in between takes of torment and disrespect, I awakened to the fact that I was worth much more.

I woke up to the fact that I didn’t need him to validate me – I was fine all by myself.  Just as he found me attractive, others will too and I really didn’t need a man to justify me.  So I walked out the door, didn’t turn around because believe me, he wasn’t welcome in my heart no more.

Now it wasn’t easy but it sure as hell was necessary.  I believe it took a special grace to get me out before permanent damage could be done (to him of course!) but God, as always, came through for me.

Ok so the point here is WHY? Why did he go through all that trouble just to have me for a few months and ACT THE FOOL during that time?  It wasn’t all bad but the bad far outweighed the good so it definitely wasn’t worth it.  I wonder, was it worth it for him?

He spent a lot of money and time on me.  Was all that aggravation worth it?  Forget the money he even spent on me, what about the emotional toll it must have had on him.  Men if you are reading, maybe you could help us ladies out.  Why? Why do it? What do you stand to gain?  Surely you are losing more than you are gaining in such a scenario.

Now my case is mild compared to some stories I’ve heard.  Mine involved no physical abuse and the emotional torture was minimal.  May I make a suggestion though? Ladies, I know it’s easy to place all the blame on the men but I’ll be woman enough to admit it – I could have treated him so much better in the three years when he was still trying to impress me.  I could have been nicer, treated him, and inevitably myself, much better and then maybe we could have had a different outcome.

There are no guarantees in this game called love but there are some factors and players we can control – OURSELVES.  The men must bear some (or in some cases, the majority) of the blame but I do not in any way intend to go down a male-bashing path; it can only end in misery.  There is no logical reason (and I know men claim to be logical creatures) why a man would waste all that time and effort (and it is a waste) chasing after something he has no intention of keeping and taking care of.

Would you go after that dream job just to get it and quit before pay-day?  Or even go after trying to buy that classic car you’ve always wanted, just to deliberately crash it as you drive out of the dealer shop?  You wouldn’t do such a thing to something precious so please take it easy when dealing with us women.  As much as we talk, some louder than others, we are gems to be treasured, even the very worse of us.

Treat a woman as you would your most prized possessions and you would be surprised at how much you would get back in return.  We as women have the power to make you smile C-O-N-S-T-A-N-T-L-Y and put you in a position to go out and make the best of yourself.  With that knowledge in mind, you had better treasure us!

I believe no threats are necessary, just a word of encouragement.  To both sexes though, let’s try and treat each other with respect.  It would draw out the best in the other person, making your journey of discovery most satisfying and pleasurable!

It was recently that I started re-evaluating the relationships I hold dear.  There are times in our lives when we place certain people on pedestals and no matter what they do to us, we can’t get angry at them because we see them through rose-tinted glasses and therefore make excuses for their shortcomings.

It could be a relationship you’re in. The guy or girl is constantly abusing your love and getting away with it and you don’t even realise that they’re doing it because you have gotten so used to covering for them, even to yourself, that there is no standing your ground against them.

It could be a member of your family, a friend or even your boss. Whoever it is, you let them get away with murder. The things you wouldn’t stand for in other people you let them do to you either because of their status or just the way you see them.

I had such a relationship with a supposed friend of mine. This person, whom I’ll call Cream, was everything in my eyes. I felt Cream was the most
perfect person. So intelligent; so fine; had it all together. Every time Cream talked, I hung on to every word. In my mind, Cream was forever and so I treated Cream as though Cream was all I knew. No one else compared to Cream.

You can imagine caring about someone so much. All you want is for the person to care for you also but in the off chance that they don’t, you still hold on because to you, they’re worth it. So you start making excuses for the person though the things that they are doing are getting under your skin.  You allow the person to treat you worse than you deserve because in your mind, they couldn’t possibly mean it. To you, things would one day change and they would realise that they are madly in love with you and the things you do, and everything would somehow be alright.

But it doesn’t always work out that way. For those who don’t know, I am a priceless treasure. This means that you treat me as such. I am a gem to be found and cared for, not dirt to be discarded. This is not arrogance; it’s me simply setting the standard for how I expect to be treated. I demand nothing less than what I give out.

Back to Cream. Cream was high in my esteem so the little things that I wouldn’t stand for even with my closest family and friends, I took from Cream. Basic courtesy that I demand from even strangers, Cream neglected to show and I made excuses for it. Why? Because Cream was – well Cream!

Then one day it hit me. I don’t deserve to be treated like dirt – especially when I don’t treat you that way. I realise that I’m worth more, maybe not in your eyes but most certainly in God’s eyes! I refuse to be treated less than I’m worth simply because you feel you can get away with it. Well no more.

Once I made this choice, everything changed. I no longer cared if Cream was in a room or not. I was no longer shy in stating my opinion even if it was contrary to Cream’s opinions. And I most definitely did not shy away from stating it whenever Cream got me angry. In fact, I think it made the relationship better.

I believe that we as humans all deserve nothing less than basic courtesy and respect. No matter how lowly in status a person is, that person still
deserves your respect. I was so disrespected, and although the blame is partly mine for allowing and excusing such behaviour, it was totally
undeserved.

You don’t have to wait to get to the stage where you are so angry you snap before you demand to be treated as you deserve. For me, the fact that I am significant lifts my value and worth triple-fold. I know my worth and only demand that you treat me as you expect me to treat you. Any less and you run the risk of missing out on what could be the best friendship/relationship/companionship you could have ever experienced. Who wants to run that risk?

Life is so much more than what you make it. That is the lesson I learnt over this weekend. As humans, we get so caught up in our own little bubble and it’s so easy to miss the direction in which those around us are moving. It’s like being on a road with people and being so wrapped up in your own experiences of the journey that you miss the fact that everyone else have turned with the bend of the road and you’re still walking straight.

I was on a weekend away with some friends and it was a great experience for me on so many levels. On one level, I got to relax and rest like I hadn’t done due to the stress of work and just life in general. I didn’t take work with me in the sense that it wasn’t on the fore-front of my mind and that was a beautiful thing in its self. Then there was another level where I got to meet some very interesting people that I had never met before. The different personalities on display were a great mix and just talking to some was eye-opening in more ways than one.

I also got to move from being acquainted with some to being friends. As it was a relaxing weekend, I got to see these people in their element without the cover of pretence and for the ones who let their guards down, I did the same and a friendship got started that I for one would love to develop.

But in all this, the most interesting for me were the friendships I had before this weekend. The people I knew and saw on a somewhat regular basis but never had access to the side of their person revealed over the weekend. It was great to see but it also highlighted just how little you can know about a person while still feeling so close to that person.

Over the past few weeks, I had been so wrapped up with my issues and the stress of work and just being burnt out from the grind of life. When I saw people, the level of conversation was still very superficial and it was partly due to the fact that I wasn’t willing to take on any more ‘baggage’ as I couldn’t see past my own. But this meant that I didn’t necessary see all of those around me. Their intelligence; their growth; the direction in which they were moving. All of which I got an insight to this weekend.

For me, this painted a larger picture. Not being able to see or feel or discern how others are feeling or where the wave of life is taking them and the way they feel about issues pertinent to them means that you are missing a chance to explore their nature and see their character for what it is. I know this has been said a million and one times but I think it’s necessary if only to remind me of the fact – human beings are selfish. We think of number one first and fore-most. Even in a conversation meant to revolve around someone else, we somehow find a way to shift the focus back onto ourselves.

For me, this has been my reality but I’ve been learning that holding on to a selfish mentality would cost you more than it would add to you. So I decided to see those around me for who they really are. I decided to learn to be observant. To sit back and let others do the talking. To listen without bringing myself into the conversation.

The funny thing was I couldn’t do it. I had to talk as that was just what I do. I had to being involved and give my opinion without necessarily giving you the chance to give yours. I found that I ’switched off’ whenever the conversation was not focused on me. But I also found out that those around me were doing the same. I found that when I started unburdening, yet again, the recipient seemed to have ’switched off’ though they were nodding and smiling. The worst was when I was talking and the other person got distracted at each turn making me feel as though they really weren’t interested in what I was saying.

That was when I realised that this was how others probably felt too when I did the same thing. That was when I realised that going through life with a ‘me’ mentality would hinder me from fully developing relationships of value that I can hold on to even at my lowest hour. It would stop me from seeing the true riches hidden in that person and their potential to be all they were made to be.

This weekend highlighted this to me. I took a back-seat this weekend mainly because I’m still learning to be quiet and take things in rather than feel the need to contribute as often times the contribution tended not to be weighty. My closest friends say it’s because I’m getting older and maturity is taking a foot-hold but I know that I have a lot to say, the thing is I’m just not saying them.

So why is this important? Well I’ve learnt that to have friends, you have to be a friend. To be a friend, you have to put the other person’s needs in front of yours. I don’t need to talk all the time. There is so much to learn from those around me and I surely did this weekend. An example would be with one of my friends (and I use the word carefully). I didn’t realise just how intelligent he was till I listened and observed him this weekend. His level of maturity was highlighted not just through his speech, but also in his dealings with those around him. My level of respect – yes respect – got quadrupled this weekend and he is now so much more than someone I know, but someone I could learn from.

That’s just an example but it made me think of how important it is to learn to distil the atmosphere before taking the plunge. If I had insisted on being the one talking the whole journey, I would have missed this side of him. I would have ’switched off’ once he started talking. I would have missed an insight into the person that is him. I’m not saying that we all should never talk and just listen, I’m saying that the balance has to be right in order for us to gain the most from each other. That was a major lesson for me.

Well, I could explore why it is we tend not to really listen to each other and why we tend to miss the potential in those around us but I’ll save that for another day. Till next time folks.

I was thinking about this recently.  I was thinking of how we (as females) mostly see men as predators/hunters who once they’ve caught their prey simply discard of them and move on the next.  There is no need to stick around once they’ve conquered!

This is not an attack.  It’s more of a cry for help so help us out guys.  Autumn is upon us and with the nights getting colder the question is: What do we need to do in order to get and keep your attention?  Are we as women (not all but most I believe will agree) destined to go through this life constantly in fear of being used and discarded?  Is there no middle ground?

I was watching ‘All of Us’ per chance and the episode was one that proved somewhat educational.  The lead character made some statements which I have had to admit was hard to argue with.  Having being asked by a random female why she keeps attracting ‘players’ and ‘dogs’, he replied that she needed to lose the ‘hooker’ shoes and put on some boots.

He was saying that boots invoke interest as it provides mystery.  The guy doesn’t know if under the boots you have a French manicure or bunions!  He, in turn, wants to know what lies underneath and would thereby try that much harder to find out and in so doing, you as the woman can pull the stops to keep him around – that is of course if you want him!

According to him, it filters it down.  The players and dogs wouldn’t approach a woman wearing boots – or that is the theory.  They are looking for an easy target.  The more serious of the men – the good ones – are the ones who would approach because, should you not mess up, they are looking for something more lasting.

Why am I talking about shoes you might ask?  Well for some women, that’s the only language they understand and this includes me but let me try and cross all language barriers.

A joke between my friends and I and through my teenage years played on the fact that we believed that men would date and tend you in the winter and dump you in the spring.  Just in time to get their ‘mack’ on for the summer.  Well most women are still single in the winter.  Why?  Could it be because they are still wearing their sandals when the fall comes round?

Unfortunately, in the general and grander picture, it seems that the theory about men and the changing seasons plays true.  Even more unfortunate, or maybe fortunate, is the fact that I had to get the answer to the question of keeping a man’s attention (or at least a theory that rings true) from a TV show.  The theory could be used to explain why some men dump their relative other in the summer because the other girls they are meeting are ‘unknown’ to them.

So how then can you keep your relationship alive regardless of the season?  Apparently the answer is to WEAR BOOTS!  Don’t let it all hang at the first hello.  Maintain some sort of mystique.  Keep him (or her!) guessing and please do not stress or nag.  Be the person he met and wanted to spend some time with.

Now I know that there are some guys out there who have no agenda other than to screw you and any other female that crosses their paths over.  But for the sake of all our hearts, let’s assume that they are in the minority.  You can have a healthy loving relationship that is not dependent on the seasons of the year.

If you think about it really, it’s common sense.  If, when you meet someone, you’ve seen all there is to them, what’s to keep you interested?  WE all – whether male or female – don’t like the ‘predictable’ and ‘constant’.  We like a bit of spontaneity and suspense as well as adventure.

The term ‘wear them boots’ for me covers the way you dress, talk, carry and portray yourself and much more.  If when a guy sees you, you are half dressed or even fully naked, why would you expect him to stay?  You are, in effect, telling him it is OK to hit and run.  Whatever you feel you are ‘putting on him’, another can do better and look better doing it.  The only difference is if you had him guessing, wondering and dreaming before hand, the chances are if he’s stayed the chase, he would last the race.  There’s nothing new under the sun and as the old saying goes: ‘If you want him to stay, don’t give him none!’

Now guys don’t bite my head off.  Remember, I am merely passing along information here.  But then maybe that should be our focus.  We should focus on respecting and valuing ourselves and demanding respect rather than letting it all hang out hoping and praying that maybe it’ll be enough to last the night.  Maybe we should all go into whatever the season wearing our boots.  Respect, Value, Honour, Femininity and good morals.  I for one have got my boots firmly on and I am noticing a change!

Voltaire once argued the existence of God using the example of a watch. He argued that there must be a God because he couldnt imagine a watch without a watchmaker. Now, Im sure that there are a million and one counter-arguements to his reasoning but let’s consider it for a minute. An argument that one could pose back to Voltaire were he standing where you are could be ‘why then do we have so many religions – all which can’t bear each other?’ Or maybe you would ask why noone can interpret with absolute certainity scriptures from sacred books such as the Holy Bible which do not later get proven otherwise. Whichever line of argument you choose to uphold, it still boils down to attempting to understand the spirtual with the physical.

I was reading a book recently and the author put it in a way that I liked. He said that no matter how well made the watch is, it could never comprehend the watchmaker. The problem arises when we as humans attempt to do just that. Now I know you might not believe in God or even in the supernatural. Whatever your beliefs however, leave it at the door a second and let’s reason together.

There are many different arguments for the existence of God or lack there is of. A prudent athetist once said that people believed and clung to religion simply because they are scared of their own annihilation. I’m offended by this statement not only because I have a faith and belief by which I live my life, but because I am also a logical free-thinking human being who would not be put into a box. Apart from my personal feelings and opinions of this statement, it is also false. Now, let’s not go off on a tangent here. Let’s stick to the matter at hand.

We are all human beings here – I hope! We move, think, feel. We reason; we cry; we laugh; we love; we hate. Above all, we live. Well, anyone in the medical field would tell you, a human being is a very complex entity. We are so wonderfully put together; we couldn’t have happened out of nothing. Let’s now put God in the mix. Attempting to explain why we could only have been made by God and why things happen the way they do would only be doing the very thing my previous argument pointed out. That would be the watch attempting to comprehend the watchmaker.

The book’s argument, from my understanding, claims that when we, as humans, claim to be able to understand ‘God’ is the very moment when everything breaks down. That’s when we get religions that are so far apart from one another and yet claim to be seeking the same God. I argee with this line of reasoning. I’ve seen it played out so many times. ‘My god is better than your god’. This brings out intense hatred between the people involved and in some cases, its more severe. There is a very thin line (in some cases, its invisible) and people often cross it while the other person is left defiant and unconvinced. There’s always an argument to disprove what you believe to be fact which just means that we are all left right where we started!

For every argument in favour of God’s existence, there are several more whose sole mission is to disprove what has been ‘proven’. So why then do people still try? Why are there so many people out there who want nothing more than to understand why they are on this earth, looking the way they do, born into the family they were born into and searching for the reason why they have been created? An argument raised was that if God does in fact exists, then he is unknowable. I in turn ask, then what is the point of his existence?!?

Christians believe in a God that you can get to know and communicate with. A God that wants to have a relationship with you and to my knowledge, this is the only religion that claims this. I agree that when we create human institutions to represent God, they have to be flawed. I also agree that in some ways, we could never fully comprehend our maker. But I totally disagree, that if there is a God and I believe there is one, it must mean that I am either afraid of my own annihilation or that this God is unknowable.

We’ve all probably heard this saying at least one in our life time. ‘If you don’t know the use of something, you would abuse it.’ I know I’ve heard it a million times. So let’s bring it into the discussion. Voltaire says that every watch must have a watchmaker. Here are some of my thoughts to the statement. What is the use of the watchmaker other than making the watch? For me, its use is to tell me what the watch is to be used for so I don’t in turn abuse the watch. Let me explain – if you do not know that a shoe is made for walking, you might in turn attempt to use it as a hammer. Doing this would constititute abuse as you are not using it for its intended purpose.

It’s the same for humans. No argument in the world that is contrary to one saying God exists can tell you why you are who you are. It can not explain why we humans are made the way we are. Every part of us is complex and genius. We are the world’s first and finest masterpiece. An atom or an explosion somewhere could not have caused me. I also know I damn well sure did not come from no ape (by the way, where did the apes come from?!). ‘To know your purpose, you must know your maker’ – To know your maker, you must first of all acknowledge that you have a maker!

I’m going to leave you with one thought, if nothing else. Ellen Glasgow once said ‘borrowed illusions are better than none’. Regardless of what you believe, be real with yourself for just one moment. As Marcel Proust said ‘the voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes!’ – Are your eyes wide open or are you walking blind?! I grew up with a father that encouraged me to challenge everything. To fully enjoy your journey in this life, you must be ready to make some hard choices and be true to yourself the whole way – but to be true to one’s self, one must know its self! As Jane Austen so wisely wrote: ‘where so many hours have been spent in convincing myself that I am right, is there not some reason to fear I may be wrong?’

Last night though, I got home in enough time to catch the end of The Apprentice. Having nothing else to watch and not wanting to watch the follow-up ‘The Apprentice – You’re Fired’, I decided to channel surf as I had an hour to kill. I stumbled upon a show that definitely had me laughing, cussing and drooling all at the same time. It was a dating show for millionaires who can’t find love.

They go to a matchmaker with a bad fake tan and a loud mouth and she goes out and finds girls to fit their requirements. She then organises a little soiree in which the bachelors interact with all these girls picking their favourite two at the end of the evening. They have one on one time with both girls picking the one they want to go on a ‘first date’ with. It’s an intriguing show. I was definitely kept interested. One of the bachelors was a 39yr old guy from Hawaii who is a children’s author. His net worth is in the millions and to add to it, the guy is gorgeous. He had sandy brown hair and beautiful blue eyes. He was 6′ and well built. This guy was DELICIOUS!

Why is he single you ask? Well it seems our Mr Delicious is an AGEIST! Yeah you heard me, he’s ageist. Though this dude is 39, he would not even look at any female older than 28. The younger the better. Thing is, while this might not be hard considering his good looks and wealth, he also wants a girl who’s brunette, that surfs, loves sports, is career focused, is very intelligent – you get my drift. In short, he wants his perfect woman and he wants her to have stick ability.

So Mr Delicious wants a younger lady who is established in her career and likes the same things he does. Oh and she has to have model looks. Not a slice of fat on her body.

You have to respect the guy whatever your opinions. Thing is the show was centred on the fact that the matchmaker is an older lady who was offended by her client’s discriminating views. She truly believed he could find the girl of his dreams if only he would be open to dating someone older. She sent him to a relationship coach for a chat and then had a soiree with beautiful women in attendance. The only catch, they were all over the age of 28.

The rule at the soiree was that Mr Delicious can not ask the age of the women he spoke to. Everything else was fair game. From the jump you could see he was attracted to a beautiful brunette with a sharp wit and a partiality to surfing. It was a match made in millionaire heaven.

He picked her and took her surfing for the first date. They got on like a house on fire. He was so sprung on her it seemed as though he would ask her to marry him right there and then. And then, the issue of age crept up. It was shocking to see his reaction.

Though our mistress of leisure didn’t look it, she was in fact in her early thirties. For a couple that really liked each other, his complete withdrawal at the end of the date when he accidentally found out her age was a disgrace. I actually cringed.

If this dude hadn’t gotten on with the chick and called her the girl of his dreams before hand, I wouldn’t have had an issue with him. The only reason he ran for the Hollywood Hills, was because she was a little older than 28. I was in shock.

So here’s my issue for deliberation. What do you guys think? If he had been standing in front of me, I would have punched him in the stomach – I’m not tall enough to reach his face even with my heels on! I would have snogged him after but that’s not the point. Are men really that shallow? How do you really hope to get a companion that’s worth her grain if you have so many restrictions in place? Help me out here people. I know men are supposed to be visual creatures but he was attracted to her from the get-go. Its insulting that a woman, who was previously seen as interesting and fun to be around, can be discarded because of her age. What other disqualifiers are there? Her background? The distance between her eyes? When does it stop?