Or maybe it’s something a bit more public.

You upload recent vacation photos to Facebook at 10p.m. and by 10:05, you’re notified of multiple comments on your recent flicks. “Cute,” “Looking good,” or “You went on vacation without me? lol.”

It’s him. You know him. The guy you dated once upon a time and he mysteriously disappeared. No rhyme or reason, he’s just gone. Women are all too familiar with the disappearing act some men like to pull, but even more mysterious is the reappearing act. As quickly as he stopped calling, texting and lost all ability to respond to any calls or texts, he’s back. Some reemerge after a few weeks, others it’s months.

Your sense of confusion may quickly turn to feelings of “Ah yeah, I knew he’d be back.”

But as tempting as it may be to relish in his returned attention, don’t.

Psst: I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. Come a little closer to your screen. When he disappeared, it was for a reason and now that he’s back, it’s for a reason.

(Continue reading @ Clutch…)

From SBM - By 25, you should know the type of woman/man you do not want to date. You may need more time to determine the type of woman/man you want to be with but if you can’t figure out the type of people you do not want to be with you are behind the learning curve. You need to enroll in Remedial Dating 101 before all your friends graduate and you’re still trying to figure out freshmen level dating.

Ladies, if a man is dating you for 12 months and he does not know what he wants from you (assuming you know what you want from him), another 12 – 36 months will not help. At some point, you need to leave him. No matter how good he is on paper, because if he is the man you need, he will come after you; otherwise, he is a good man but he is a good man that is wrong for you.

I’m going to be honest with the ladies – fellas forgive me – the average man knows where he wants a relationship to go in 48 hours (or less). Men play dumber than we are for the sake of avoiding accountability but when a man walks up to you he already has an idea of what he wants from you. As you begin conversing, he begins mentally assigning you to the various categories you may fall into in his life. If you meet on a Friday, by Monday he knows where he wants the relationship to go and it’s likely it will not change – and if it does, it will usually be for the worst. In other words, if he meets you and thinks, “This girl is possible wife material,” you can only go downhill from there. Furthermore, it is much harder for a girl to go from “this girl is a [garden tool]” to this girl is “wife material.”

(Continue reading at SBM…)

I’ve been walking for so long. My legs are starting to burn.  Damn.  I forgot my cash card. Great. I’m gonna have to walk all the way back.  I was trying to avoid the familiar but seems like my subconscious wont let me rest.  I’m back in front of the restaurant.  The one I swore I would avoid. Too many memories.  Maybe I am a whore.

It can’t be.  No – just keep walking.  Oh my goodness.  It is you.  A brief hug and a kiss on the cheek.  No – I’m just taking it easy.  Walking off some heat.  That got a laugh out of you. I really should go.  I can predict what would happen if I stay.  You ask for my company to the restaurant.  I say no. You ask why. Oh – why can’t I think of anything you’d believe?  Maybe I do want to go.

How did I end up here? In your apartment? I don’t even want to watch this stupid movie! OK. Make up an excuse and leave.  You really should get back anyway. You promised yourself no more of this – stick to it.  No No No. Don’t touch me.  Why do you have to look at me like that?

I’m in your bed and now I cant hear myself think.  I don’t want to. I know what the thoughts would be.  They would be – stop! You shouldn’t be doing this. But I don’t know if I want you to stop.  I want to feel you and I’m not ashamed of that. Why are you looking at me like that?

Damn – why did you stop?  No talk of love here – let’s just do this. What?  You love who? C’mon. You don’t love me. You love the idea of me.  Hell – I don’t love me! Boy, you had better finish what you started and shut the hell up. Why wont you just take what I’m offering and get it over with? You’ve done it many times before.

Look. I know you somehow think we’re kindred spirits but this isn’t love.  I give you my body and you take it. Just enjoy it.  Gee.  When did you become so soft? You were always the player and now you’re acting like a sucker. Listen. I don’t know how to do this. Be someone you or anyone would want to be with. I’m not that girl.

Stop. Now look what you’ve done.  Making me cry.  Goodness. Just take me home. I can handle men that use me. I don’t know what to do with men like you.  I’ve heard it all my life that all I’m good for is laying on my back.  You added to that time and again when you did all kinds to me.  Now you reformed? You want to ‘love’ me? I can’t handle this.

I know I haven’t prayed in a while.  Been no reason to. Its not like anyone listens right? OK Well OK. I’ll take a shot at it. If there is a God up there or wherever I’m asking for you to help me.  I can’t do this any more. I know I’m not worth much.  But maybe you could love me anyway? I have nothing to give and all the men that have run through me have taken all I could have given so maybe if there’s a layaway system or something? All I know is I want out. Here’s my cry for help.  I’m not worth much but I’m ready to work my way through.

I’m so tired tonight. I hope there is a God because there’s got to be more to life than what I’ve been dealt. Otherwise, I should just end it here. Or maybe not. Where’s that Bible that church woman gave me the other night??? Oh boy, I’m definitely losing it.  Oh, I’m going back out.

“We’ve got to fight for this love. If its worth having its worth fighting for. Quitting is out of the question. When it gets hard got to fight some more.”

These are the lyrics of a song that has been floating around inside my head. Whilst the tune is indeed very catchy, it’s not the melody that gave me cause to pause this morning. See when the song was first released, I didn’t necessarily pay particular attention to its lyrics. The artist had recently dealt with the revelation that her husband had been cheating on her and against all the unwelcome media advice that she should walk away from him; she decided to stay the course and work on her marriage.

The song could be seen as defiant when looked at through the lenses of the experience she had just gone through. Or maybe even as tenacious but the song for me didn’t register as relevant to my situation so it was just a good ‘tune’.

Why is this morning different then? Why can’t I stop this tune from invading my private space? Why is it all of a sudden the theme tune to my day or worse still my month?

You see the artist’s situation of having to fight for a love that has let her down or betrayed her trust is something we can all give an opinion about. She decided that fighting to save her marriage was worthwhile and most admired her for it. But what if the situation was that you were fighting to save a love that has only just blossomed? What if the ‘love’ in question is more a ‘like’? Let me paint the scene.

Typical scenario of boy meets girl. Boy likes girl and vice versa. Boy decides girl is special enough to be his one and only. Girl decides boy is ‘interesting’ and wants to explore getting to know him and to see where it all goes. They become friends.  At some point in their friendship, feelings and emotions get in the mix and they become more than friends. Then they have their first fight.  Unfortunately, it’s a biggie. Girl is feeling the pressure of being little miss perfect as she believes that’s how the boy sees her and boy sees girl as being distant and uninterested.  They are at a make or break point.

In come the lyrics of the song.  At what stage do you know something is worth fighting for? No one wants to live with regret and the notion of ‘what if’ for the rest of their lives. In my scenario above, should they try to work it out? If at the beginning stages of a relationship, they are already fighting and hurting each other, is it really quitting to walk away? Or is it common sense to do so?

This is where my head is at.  I can’t see the point at which you can decide something is worth fighting for. Aren’t all things worth fighting for? The couple in my little play could end up being each other’s great loves and walking away without trying to ‘fight’ to save their new relationship is then detrimental to both. On the other hand, one could argue that fighting so much in the early stages of a relationship shows that its doomed from the start and you must save yourself by jumping ship before your emotions get anymore entangled.  So who is right?

I’ve been the main character in the above play when I was only 17 and I must confess its still a sore point for me.  Every time I remember the guy I walked away from regardless of his remorse at not sharing his birthday with me (yes very trivial but a big sticking point to me at the time) I feel a deep sense of regret.  He was perfect to me in every way. With hindsight I can see I walked away over that trivial issue because he seemed too good to be true and I needed to see a negative point about him to make him seem real.

That story didn’t have a happy ending but it does make me wonder if as people we are too quick to throw in the towel on these things. We come up with excuses and logical sounding reasons of why we do so but the bottom line is we are all scared of truly investing in someone who could up and leave tomorrow. So out of that fear, we hold back the best of ourselves from the people we encounter and only give them the side of us that we can handle them walking away from. Is that truly living? Is that truly the essence of love? I hate to admit that I’m with the artist on this one. We’ve got to fight for this love but I’m extending it to say it’s all worth fighting for. Your friendships. Your relationships with family, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend – everything. Unless the relationship is destructive to you as an individual, walking away is the easy option.

At some point we must stand and fight. How else do you reap the pleasures of real intimacy? I for one am slowing coming to the realisation that when you walk away after I show myself to you, this is not because of a fundamental flaw in me. This is not a reflection that I am not a worthwhile person to invest in. instead you simply couldn’t handle it either because of your own weakness or because you are not meant to be in my life. What doesn’t kill me can only make me stronger right? I didn’t die at 17 when I walked away from that relationship. It makes me value people more and I’m now one for communication.  Maybe the problem is you are going too fast and need to slow down. Whatever the case, no more running for me. I’m all for staying and fighting for what could be mine.

Statistics shows that fifteen million people in Britain are single, and almost five million are looking for love online. 20 percent of married people between the ages of 19 and 25 met their spouse online and according to research at Bath University, a relationship that was started online lasts an average 7 months*. One must wonder how long an average relationship lasts when it’s not formed on the internet. Feel free to conduct your own research to answer that!

The number of dating sites are growing per day in correlation with the number of single people it seems. They come in a range of genres to fit your type (Christians, Asian, Black American, Africans, Over 60’s) whatever your class, race, gender, age you are bound to find another singleton  like you “seeking someone with a GSOH” – or so they say. And yes! Facebook can be safely added to the list. I have heard stories of long term relationships sinking to an end – when it all started with a POKE!

As someone who is not interested AT all in casual dating but rather searching for commitment which will eventually go down the M4L route (that is marriage for life) avoiding heavy traffic at IMMORALITY junction, I cant say I’m interested in whatever can be found lurking on these sites.  I know one can’t say I won’t find Mr. Right but there are way too many Mr. Right now on there for me to really bother.  The question that remains lurking though still remains – Is it possible that I might meet the “one” and so therefore should I take a gamble and see what happens?

The idea of browsing a website in search of a spouse just sounds very “je ne sais pas”… (I can’t put a word to it), it is risky business which can work in your favour or send you on an unknown route. Is it morally acceptable? I think we rely too much on technology to cater for our needs overall. Whatever happened to the traditional way of Boy meets Girl – in person? Imagine a scenario where you ask a newly-wed the question “So how did you guys meet?” and the response you get is “we meet online at www.alluneedislove.com”. Do you stifle a giggle, wait for the punch line or resume conversation as normal?

As I huffed and puffed on this debate, slowly I came to the realisation that out of everyone in the group, I was the only ONE still single and here I was knocking down the options available to me. I have been to several weddings, parties, singles events and I am still searching! Tick Tock! My biological clock sets off a panic alarm.  SIGN IN!

*(Source: Dating Sites Review.com)

Now ladies, there is nothing wrong with wanting a man that can take you out for a drive and cause every head to turn but is that all we really want?  As a female, it’s quite hard to stay unbiased on this one but I’ll try.

I can start by saying what I want but I know that I might not speak for every woman out there so let’s try and cover all grounds.  Surely women want more than the qualities stated above, although some of my girlfriends are yelling out ‘IT SURE DOES HELP THOUGH!’  There’s more to life and love than having a nice car or nice teeth.  What if you meet someone who has a nice car but lives in a rented apartment?  Would you feel he is financially secure and able to support you if need be?  Of course not!

Ok so the men are screaming ‘Why does it always have to be the man doing the supporting?’  Well, can I just say that we’re not talking about what men want now are we?  No I’m kidding.  The reason is because as much as women out there would hate to admit it, we know the role men and women are supposed to play in relationships.

Is that view old fashioned and slightly tarnished?  Maybe so.  This is the 21st century after all and there is a major surge in role reversals with the woman holding the reins and the men going along for the ride.  But I didn’t write the rulebooks so don’t take it out with me.  Men are the dominant ones (although some might say they are just dormant!?) or are supposed to be, and so therefore should be the ones doing the caring.

Just look at old Hollywood for example.  How many women in that time, with a man in the house, were worried after paying the bills, looking after the kids, cooking, and cleaning?  That’s right, a small number if any.  They might have been concerned with taking care of the home but not the mortgage too!  The men did that and left room for the woman to be the woman and take care of the man’s emotional and psychological needs!

Well before we get too far ahead, this is not the time to start debating the role of a man or a woman as dictated by society or anything else.  The focus is on asking ‘What do women really want?’

When I posed the question among people I knew, their initial responses were ‘from what?’  I believe that’s a good place to start.  Women, what do we really want from men, relationships and love?  If given the chance to create the perfect mate, what attributes and qualities would we allocate as core and absolutely necessary?  Would tall, dark and handsome be our only prerequisite to having a healthy, well-balanced relationship?  Or would we ask for more?

Would financial stability (and I don’t just mean that he has enough money to take you to ‘the Ritz’ for dinner!), kindness, a caring heart, sensitivity and qualities aimed more at caring for you and your needs as a woman take pre-eminence over those aimed at the superficial?  Most women are by now screaming ‘Of Course’ but can I add mine (I am a woman too after all!)?  I want all these things also but one request.  Can it come in a nice package too please?  There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be attracted to the person you’re with; you don’t meet the heart at first encounter do you?

I’m just trying to understand how the average woman’s mind works.  Is it divided into compartments where if you (as the man) fit at least one of the qualities in each compartment, you’re in with a shot?  Or is it black and white with no room for compromise or tailoring so as to asses each individual?

“He has to be tall”  ”He has to be blonde” “He must dress well”  ”He must be foreign” “He must have a nice nose”

Things like these are all well and good but is there room for compromise?  If this is one woman’s list, could he be blonde but short?  Would that be acceptable?  Or could he be tall and not foreign?  How about if he is everything listed above but has a crooked nose?  Are you going to pass up on getting to know him and maybe developing what could end up being the best thing that ever happened to you simply because he had a crooked nose or that’s he’s brunette instead of blonde?

So that leads us back to the question – Women, do we know what we really want?  I wish I could give a conclusive answer but I’m still considering that.  My view seems to change with everyone I meet.  What I can say is this, and put this on record, I do not want a man who’s pretty but shallow.  A man who is rich but stingy; who lives in a nice house but is in debt over his head; who has a nice car but is insensitive and unkind; who is witty but hurtful or who even has it all together but is disrespectful!  Do I hear an AMEN out there somewhere?!?

So is that love?  Is passionately caring for someone meant to destroy you in the process? Can you love and have it last without ever feeling this way?  I do not pretend to have all the answers but looking back over my experience of this thing called ‘love’, I can honestly conclude that I might have had it wrong all along.

Throughout life, we as individuals go through so many different phases.  There are moments where all we can do or think about revolves around our academic life.  It’s funny. On my way back from a ‘night about town’, a friend of mine and I walked past a university campus and saw some students walking around seemingly carefree.  Our comments centred on reminiscing of the ‘good old days’ when we didn’t have to think about work, mortgage and everything else life has to throw at the average ‘adult’.  We were students and unashamed!

The thing I’ve noticed about memories is that they are sugar-coated.  The pain we felt as students on the grind were somehow forgotten and we could only focus on the fact that we didn’t have to worry about getting up to go to work and everything else.  We were still under pressure as students but somehow the grass seemed greener on the other side!

I’ve been through so many phases and this is the same in relationships.  There are times when you might feel you’re not ready to deal with a committed relationship and all you want is to be on your own and do things your way.  Then there are those times when all you can think about is getting with someone and being able to share your life with him or her.

This play, for some reason, struck a cord in me.  The illusions I had about what ‘love’ was were exposed,if only to me.  This couple, for the majority of the play, could not stand each other.  About 5 minutes to the end, they passionately make up and everything is rosy again as if sex really does fix a dying relationship!

The thing is, while the lady was angry with the guy, she said so much about all he was doing to show he wasn’t the one for her.  Somehow though, that got lost in the heat of things and she went back to him though she knew he was all wrong for her.

This could have been a different scenario but the message is always the same.  I love you for a moment and hate you for a lifetime.  As long as it’s not in that order, we’re OK.  So it leads me back to asking the question – ’so what is love?’.

I know ‘love’ could mean a lot of different things to different people but I’m asking about the kind of love that brings about unity.  Let’s get in sync here and see if a conclusion can be drawn.  How do we differentiate between ‘love’ and infatuation?  What about ‘love’ and lust?  The emotions shared between the two characters for me do not sum up love.  It screamed of lust.  After they were both spent, they returned to fighting and hating each other.

The illusions I had were that once you meet that person that drives you crazy with passion, one you couldn’t live without, everything just sorts itself out.  Boy did I get a reality check!  I see now that the point is to be ‘good all by yourself’ because it means you’re well adjusted enough to add to someone else’s life.  If you can’t enjoy your own company, how do you expect others to enjoy your company?  Surely love is about sharing.  How can you share when you don’t understand how you work and what you like?  Sure, there’s a whole new dimension to you that would be revealed once you are with someone who’s right for you but you must have something to bring to the table otherwise you would just drain the other person.

A healthy relationship breeds value and adds to you.  I most definitely do not want to be a fool for love, especially if it’s the wrong kind.  I’m still learning what love is but at least I’m now seeing what love is not!  Love is not angry or impatient.  It’s definitely not jealous and would not make me insecure.  It would not hurt me or make me cry.

To know what love is I’ve learnt I have to know what it’s not.  How else can I know when it’s right?

To be honest, I must have been staring for about 6 minutes (a long time on the tube!) and I have no idea what she looked like. I was paying attention to her magazine. It was one of those gossip ones that I’d never be caught dead (or alive) buying. I mean do I really care what Cheryl Tweedy thinks of Lily Allen (or whatever!). What caught my eye was a cover story that read “35,000 in debt trying to look like Colleen” and a picture of a girl overloaded with shopping bags and smiling smugly at the camera – smiling at her silliness!
35,000 in what! DEBT! To look like who? Weren’t they calling her a chav a minute ago? OK so we’ve all been there, or at least most of us have. You just had to have those shoes because if you weren’t meant to, they would not be staring at you in the perfect size. Then because they are so hot, they need a matching bag and seeing as how it is 3 weeks till payday, Mr Visa/MasterCard/American express (pick your poison) will pick up the tab and we’ll pay for it in full in three weeks. No harm. No foul.
Only that this wonderful sensation ‘instant gratification’ stimulates us for more. I mean if you don’t buy that great top to match the shoes and bag (where I come from some people call it ‘Yoruba girl syndrome’) the outfit would look silly so SWISH goes Mr Visa card.
When the bill hits your doorstep 28 days later, they are being so sweet as to tell you that you can pay 3% of the total bill. For real? Just 3%? That means more money in my pocket. WRONG! OK we are being a tad bit simplistic here but stats show that less than 18% of credit card users pay the balance in full each month. Why? Because of the convenience of the deferred payment. Pay out less and keep more in your pocket so to speak.
So you pay the 3%, satisfied that you are a good customer because you’ve paid on time and there is still money to blow in your bank account so everyone wins. Not quiet – sure you’re a great customer. Sure you’ve got money (for now) but that little weekend indulgence means that at approximately 16.9% APR, you might be paying for that bag for 3 years by which time, that bag has been relegated to the ‘what was I thinking/drinking?’ part of your closet.
So you understand why I am flummoxed at why somebody is in 35,000 of debt and is smiling – unless her father is Bill Gates or she is making more than she owes AFTER TAX. This is no laughing matter and seeing as how it was on the cover of Heat/Now (whatever it was called), I can safely go out on a limb here and suggest that this is not the case. Not because Heat or whatever indicates you are poverty stricken but because if she was paying it off with ease, it wouldn’t be a story MUCH less a cover story!
Now I might sound smug but I’ve learnt my lesson with that beautiful piece of plastic that made me feel all grown up. No longer was I shopping when the folks sent me money, I was burning money when I felt like it and at 18 it seemed free. SWIPE SWIPE SWIPE and then as long as I paid it back (minimum payment), they ‘kindly’ increased my credit limit. I was 18 years old and Mr Barclaycard Visa had given me 5K. I can smile now because I soon became hip to the 0% balance transfer at the beginning of every New Year – wasn’t I smart? Err no because the fine print I always failed to read was that this bad boy was probably charging me WAY more than the previous one.
Long story short, I finally smelt a rat and toiled to get myself out of credit card hell. Working two summer jobs on my gap year to hit university knackered when all my mates were coming back tanned and refreshed. They had seen Rome, Morocco, Switzerland. I had seen overweight women trying to relive their glory days in tight Miss Selfridge clothing and trendy teems who thought that pots of eye-liner on their eyelids, ripped clothing and dirty looking hair was a hot look. It wasn’t but I paid my dues – and thankfully my credit card off to.
The minute I paid it off, they couldn’t stop bothering me. Offers of platinum cards (university kid!). I mean it’s like holding a red flag to a bull. Luckily I wasn’t to be tempted but they made it too easy. You walk into a store and the pesky assistant is offering you a 10% discount if you open a store card. Now that makes sense surely because it makes your outfit even cheaper and means you can buy in bulk and get a discount simultaneously. WRONG! That little plastic poison pill comes with a hefty 30% APR chain.
So in 6 minutes, this was my thinking – ‘35K in debt, WOW, how silly. How very very silly – poor girl. And to look like whom?’ Then the woman shifted and I realised that I had been staring, forced one of those silly grins and then I looked away.
Now I like to shop as much as the next person but surely 35,000 is a TAD steep. No? I mean what if this lady wants a house and Mr HSBC (or whoever she probably has a credit card with) sees her monthly financial status. They would decline her a mortgage or a car. Not that I advocate debt of any kind but at least make it useful. You can sell a car and get good use of it until you do. I mean the ‘what if’ scenarios are wide reaching. My point being debt and instant gratification suck!
The greatest way to shop is to spend your own money. At least that way when it is gone, you can sit down and feel silly in the corner. Yup! Much rather do that!
So I got off the train smiling smugly. Yes I’ve learnt and learnt the hard way so I can sympathise and only use this poor girl’s situation (for me, the politically correct term would be TRAVESTY! but I don’t know her personally so…) as motivation to not dance with the devil. That would be debt people. I hope that by sharing just a snippet, I can encourage others not to do so too because at the risk of sounding like a broken record, instant gratification sucks in the end. It really does!

I once heard someone say that if she found out her man was cheating, she would turn a blind eye to it and move on.  That is to say she would carry on as ‘normal’ in the relationship while pretending that nothing was going on.  She said this because she doesn’t believe it is possible for a man not to cheat.  The important thing according to her is that after he has done the deed, he returns and stays with her.

Not for me!  I’m so far away from that point of view that we are on two different continents.  Denial for her is the way to go.  Confronting the issue and dealing with it is my way.  Hear me out a second.

Do all men cheat?  Is there some sort of code in a man’s brain that says no matter how happy or satisfied he is in a relationship, he must still ‘branch out’ and try new waters?  Is there something that he just can’t help that makes him do it?

Eddie Murphy said in his 80’s show, ‘Raw’, that men have to sleep around.  It is in their nature.  No matter what the woman does, as the man, he must cheat.  Is that really the case?  If it is, then woe betide all women.

That means a woman must enter the relationship knowing that she would be hurt, betrayed and let down.  Surely she would choose to stay on her own instead! At least then she could control the events which happen to her and the encounters which follow.

So the question is ‘If you catch your mate cheating, would you stay with them and say “That’s just the way life goes!” or would you leave them so far behind they would be eating your dust?’  It’s a tough one.

On the basis that the reasons for staying are simply because cheating is just the done thing, I would simply leave them to it.  Don’t get me wrong, each situation needs to be assessed individually. If you are married with three kids and your husband cheats, I doubt you would be so eager to walk away.

However, you are not married.  You are both still getting to know each other.  Maybe you are engaged and about to be married.  I’m sorry but saying that’s just how men are doesn’t fly with me.

I was reading an article in the Times newspaper (and I paraphrase) of a woman who, 6 days before her wedding, found out that her fiance regularly visits gay saunas and has sex with nameless men.  He appealed to her not to cancel the wedding on the basis that he doesn’t believe he is gay but just that he has had it tough with women and finds the men less intimidating.  She was then debating whether or not to stay and help him through his issues.

People, surely this is madness!  No one can tell me that they would stay in such a situation.  Whether you are male or female, think about it for just a second!  The betrayal is surely too great to stay.  What if she does stay with him and he NEVER visits a gay sauna again or sleeps with another man?  Good on her I say but the feeling of insecurity stemming from that betrayal would always be there.

Okay, I believe in the ACT of forgiveness.  I really do.  Im classified as Christian after all.  But this for me is a no-brainer.  You might turn around and say that Jesus told us to forgive seventy times seven times (basically infinetly as you’re sure to lose count!) but he also instructed us to ACT WITH WISDOM.  I could forgive him for his betrayal but it doesn’t mean I have to stay with him.

I can appreciate that there is a fine line to tread here but staying with someone after they cheat on you on the basis that that’s just human nature is ridiculous to me.  If you are going to tell me what Jesus says about forgiveness, surely you would also know where he stands with fornication and adultery!

Should you stay or should you go?  Ultimately only you can decide.  Seeing as we find ourselves here though, I say that anyone who would discard your trust and treat you with such disrespect, doesn’t deserve you.

In some cases, such as the sacred union of marriage, I would say (as I have never been married!), take a break, seek a way to truly forgive and start over.  Find out why he or she felt the need to ’step out’ on you and try something new and different to salvage and mend your relationship.  What was it about that encounter that made your partner unable to resist it?  Find that out and start to get to know each other and your temptations.

But staying with someone that has hurt you when you don’t have to, or can’t truly forgive, is not wise.  Feelings of insecurity, self-worth and lack of trust would inevitably break that relationship.  If it doesn’t, it would surely break you!  I don’t believe that we should let ourselves become damaged by other people, especially if we can help it!

The issue that started this downward spiral was really a rather simple one. It was a rather light conversation over our lunch as I hadn’t seen the guys in quite some time due to busy workloads and demanding managers. I had been looking forward to spending time with them as I wanted a refreshing break in an otherwise hectic day.

Sitting down to lunch, we got discussing each other’s lives and what developments had happened since we last spoke. One of the guys has been in a long term relationship for some years now and he mentioned that his girlfriend’s friends were all getting married. As is the way of these things, I then made a joke implying he was soon to follow as the girl would start hinting soon enough.

Shockingly his response wasn’t what I expected. I expected him to make the age-old joke of women and their body clock. Or maybe say he wasn’t ready for marriage as he is quite young still. Or even maybe suggest a holiday to take her mind off the topic. What I got instead was a response that sent my mind into free fall. His response? ‘We haven’t even lived together yet!’

Maybe I’m the one that’s been living under a rock. Since when is it a necessity to live with someone before you can marry them? Am I missing something here?

I have some friends that are married and some that are getting married this summer. None of them – and I mean zero – have lived with their partners before taking their marriage vows. One, who has been married for a few years now and recently had her first child, was with her husband for many years before they got married. In that time, they did not live together and were still very happy. Happy enough to get married and start a family.

It seemed as though I was on another planet as the other colleague, who is married, turned around and agreed that a couple MUST live together before getting married. WHY? Is it written somewhere and no one has sent me a memo yet? Their rationale is that you have to have a trial marriage before the actual marriage. Someone must be playing a trick on me – a cruel one at that!

This concept of trying before you buy seems to be ingrained in some aspects of our society. When buying my flat, I didn’t say to the estate agents ‘Oh wait, I have to live in it first to make sure we’re compatible’ before buying. You can get to know someone’s habits before taking the plunge into marriage. I do agree that living with someone is very different to just dating but isn’t that the fun of married life? Getting to explore all aspects of the other person in a way you hadn’t before?

I’m curious as to what you all think on this issue. Am I simply off my rockers for thinking living together is not a pre-requisite for marriage? I for one do not believe in living with someone just to simulate what it would be like when – IF – we do decide to go down that route.

What are your thoughts? Would you or wouldn’t you?