To put it all in context I must explain that prior to this relationship, everything else was classed as an ‘encounter’. My first real ‘boyfriend’ was at the age of 17 and after his no-good trifling self everyone else had to be content with no official title. I simply encountered them, took the moments for whatever they were and kept it moving. There was the ‘I just got out of a relationship but really like you’ encounter. Then I had the ‘instant chemistry but unsustainable in the real world’ encounter. Oh and I can’t forget the ‘I have three kids with three different baby mamas (by 21!) but need to have you girl’ encounter. None were ever given their official titles whatever those were. But my last ‘boyfriend’ was more than an encounter. He was the ‘I want forever with you girl. Let’s rock the waves of life together’ world domination type. He steam rolled into my world and I gave everything.  From my numerous connections to my awesome friendships to career enhancement tools – I was Miss giving.

Then it ended. It wasn’t pretty. But then again the end of things that are meant to be forever aren’t pretty. I retreated. All my opinions on how things would work were thrown out of the window. I didn’t have the energy to spread his faults around town (and I didn’t want to). I didn’t burn his clothes or have my boys threaten him. I simply retreated. I found solace in my amazing network of friends. And I still loved him. I found that love is not so easy to switch off from no matter how angry/disgusted/infuriated by someone you are. So I tried to find my peace whilst being outwardly polite whenever the occasion arose. I chose not to defame him. I helped preserve his dignity where ever I could and found a way to separate the actions from the man.

See what I mean!!!! It’s pure craziness. Had it been someone else going through my situation I KNOW my advice would have been ‘burn his clothes girl – right now!’ ‘Put his trifling self out to air on every social network tool you can’ ‘help other sisters know to stay away because he is unstable as hell!’  But I did not do any of that. Worse still the desire to do it simply wouldn’t appear!

Well that is till I found out he still wanted all the perks he got through the relationship. Like the encouraging words. Like my amazing friends. Nothing unleashes the beast in me like someone not knowing when to take what they’ve been given and get gone! You see I know I don’t own anyone even if you met them through me. I don’t lay claims to anyone but me. But if you decide you don’t want me in your life, I don’t believe you have a right to anything you gained whilst you had access. Period! Keep it moving. The perks only come as part of a packaged deal. You signed the contract and now you’ve reneged, so you don’t get to keep the car, the house or anything else. No sir! You walk out with what you came in with. Yessir! I’m having none of it. I don’t care if it sounds selfish or even childish. I’m willing to be respectful, polite and whatever else. But that you do not get to have that.  Nope!

It was in contemplating this that I realised that even with all the opinions I came in with, this was the only one that I hadn’t considered till it hit me full force in the face. I know how shallow we can all be (yes even you!). We all think we know everything about everything because it happened to your mum’s sister’s best friend’s daughter’s colleague. But till you experience something for yourself, you just don’t know how you’re going to handle it. I have surprised even myself with the integrity with which I have handled myself. This one issue isn’t something I’m ashamed of and maybe time would make me softer about it. But till then, I’m willing to admit that my previous opinions were nothing more than air! And before you judge me, check yourself.  What actions have you taken that have contradicted your previous stance? Be honest now!

To set the scene, I must take you back a few weeks.  You see I met this guy who simply put – took my breath away. He was HOTT. And friendly. And funny.  And easy to talk to. And down to earth.  He had such an easy-going aura about him that I was won over almost immediately.  We got to talking and we connected from the get-go. Many phone calls, emails and texts later, we finally decided to meet up one on one to hang out together.  Till that arrangement, whenever we’d see each other, it was always with a group of friends in tow.

I was beyond excited. I so wanted nothing more than to hang out with him. There was no pressure. I had always just been myself around him so I wasn’t nervous. I was elated at the thought of a few hours in his company. The agreement was that he would let me know the details on the day as he wasn’t sure of his plans. I had no problem with that.

I woke that morning after a relatively restless night with no word from him. As I had no reason to doubt the arrangement made, I assumed I was still seeing him and he would contact me once he was sure of how his day would play out.  By mid-day however, I was quickly moving from excited to nervous.  There had still been no word and I wasn’t sure it was okay to call him.  To my mind, that was almost like stalking the poor dude especially as he said HE would contact me once he knew his plans.  So I waited.

Late afternoon rolled round and by this point, I had lost all hope that I was seeing him. In an effort not to be completely bummed out, I decided to spend some time with my friends.  It was an arrangement that kept me busy but that I could get out of at a moment’s notice.  It also meant I was checking my phone every few seconds.

To be completely honest, I was beyond bummed out. I was disheartened.  I had thought he cared enough to let me know even if he couldn’t make it. I guess I was wrong.  My friends did a fantastic job of keeping me preoccupied and entertained.  Unfortunately for them though, all I wanted to do was talk about him. They patiently listened and comforted me.

Throughout though, I didn’t completely lose hope that he would call. I decided to take a drive with my friends to stop myself from being obsessive.  At this stage I had moved from being nervous to a blank state of mind. I couldn’t believe the situation I found myself in so I deleted the whole thing from my mind’s hard-drive.  An hour later I checked my phone and saw missed calls from an unknown number.  The calls are accompanied by a text message.  It was from the hot guy asking me to call him.  So I did. Only to be told I had called too late. In an effort not to be angry/moody/nagging I said it was no problem. I was out with friends anyway so no issue.  I decided to leave it and put a brave face on it.  I was despairing but there was no need for him to know that.  Later that night, I decided to call him just to talk through it because it bugged me like you wouldn’t believe.

This is the bit of the story that has me in a spin.  He accused ME of being the reason the day’s plans didn’t go ahead.  WHAT?!? Am I in some alternate universe? Is this dude drunk on some cheap wine? How could I possibly be the issue here? I have been, to my mind, very understanding and fair.

I couldn’t even be angry. He sounded extremely upset and this caused my mood move from okay to murderous.  For all intensive purposes, I didn’t kill him seeing as it was over the phone but it did cause me to pause and think.

I’ve heard it said that men and women think differently.  I’ve never argued this point but for creatures who are supposed to be logical, some of the guys I’ve come across can be irrational as hell.  Maybe there was other stuff going on with him I wasn’t aware of. Maybe he was bummed out about his plans. Or maybe he was just playing the classic ‘transference of energy’ game.  All I know is it took all I had not to smash the phone into the wall whilst picturing it was his head I was playing with!

To put things into context, I have since moved on.  But thinking about it in retrospect, I am forced to laugh at how emotionally wound up I was. I liked him so much that I had allowed all common sense to jump out of the window.

I’m still trying to figure out what goes on in men’s heads but for now, I think staying away from them in an order to re-group and gather my free-falling emotions would be wiser.  I am open to words of wisdom for those out there that have any though. Maybe I just need to be schooled in the world of men. Goodness. Sounds like I’m in for the ride of my life. I had better hold on tight!

This morning it was a song about women doing things better than men. Not just doing things better, but doing it better in BROKEN heels! Now every woman out there understands full well that very little can be accomplished with broken heels.  You can’t run for the train. You can’t even walk straight but here is a lady instructing us all that women can do anything a man can and do it better even with broken heels.

I couldn’t help but smile the first time I heard this.  I think in pictures so the picture that came to mind was of a suited woman trying to get to multiple meetings in and around Manhattan.  These meetings are make or break for her career and could ruin her ambitions if it doesn’t go right.  On her way to the first meeting, one of her new Louboutins gets caught on the kerb and she loses half of the heel on her right shoe.  She keeps going. She jumps into the waiting cab with all her files and baggage and keeps focused on the task at hand – all the while angrily ignoring the broken heel of her new pair of shoes. She gets to her destination and walks confidently into the room full of suits and takes control. No one even notices her shoes as she takes command.  Afterwards, she runs into the bathroom to check the damage as her phone begins to shill loudly reminding her that she is almost late for her next engagement.

She runs out into the next cab and as she reaches her next meeting, the next heel, unable to handle holding the added weight, gives way under the pressure.  Flinging the other half heel to the side, she sashays into the next meeting and knocks ‘em dead!

By this point in my moving picture, my smile is beyond huge. I try to picture what a man would do and I could not imagine ANY man being able to handle the different tasks with such confidence after been dealt so many harsh cards – in broken heels!  This is not me saying that men are not as confident. On the contrary. What I am saying is I have seen many women handle these kinds of cards with expertise even though their confidence is shaken to the core!  Very few men I’ve encountered had passed the test in the same way.

I am a woman who works in a pre-dominantly male environment. I am also relatively young in comparison to my colleagues and I have found that this can be a hindrance as well as an enabler – all dependent on the situation.  Based on my experience of working in such an environment I’m normally the one advocating for the men as I feel they are so dumped on when it comes to the gender fight. This time round though, I am in agreement with the singer. It might have to do with the tongue-in-cheek attitude of the song or the fact that I have come to appreciate the strength of women in general.  I’ve seen women display immense strength at times when anyone else would have crumbled.  Perhaps I’m in a place when I’m truly appreciative of the mothers, wives, sisters, and girlfriends I have been encountering all month long.

I work and associate with men in areas of influence in my line of work.  What constantly surprises me is how reliant they are on the nameless women in their lives.  They are the focal point of big companies but they are absolutely weak without their wives who they rely on to keep their home lives in order so they can focus on running the company. Some of these women also hold down a job and are high-fliers in their industries. It’s shocking. Women are not given the recognition they deserve for it though. The men take the glory while the women do all the work. I’m not disputing that we all have our roles to play but I’m in awe of all the women out there doing so much and holding it all together.

Recently there have been a lot of discussions on the issues within our society and who is to blame for this.  I keep hearing the discussions go back to the youths that have been raised in single parent homes and how some of the mothers are not doing so great a job in keeping their kids in line. This is then deemed as the reason why we have so many kids on the streets causing havoc. I agree that the family structure is broken down in our society and the effects of it are felt by all, but each time I have met a single mother, the impression I’m left with is how strong they are. They are not just keeping a home; they are working several jobs, they are keeping themselves fit, they are trying to discipline their kids. Now I know that’s not all single mothers but painting everyone with the same brush surely does more harm than good.  Should we not celebrate those that are putting their all in and getting very little in return?

This is meant to be a light hearted discussion so I’ll take it back to the song.  Women everywhere really do need a mantra that shows their strength and if this song can be to the 21st century what girl power was to the 20th century women, so be it.  Ladies, be fashionable, sexy, hard working, ambitious and kick those boys’ butts! Show them how it’s done – even with broken heels! Are you with me?!!?

OK so I’ve been thinking a lot recently about marriage and what makes some work and why some so quickly (as quickly as 18hrs!) fall apart. Surely you knew before getting into it that this person had faults but you were in love with them and willing to overlook or tolerate these inadequacies! … So what happens? How does one decide to forego their freedom and sleep (O sweet sleep!) to spend their lives caring and sharing with another human being? Now I know we humans…yes all of us…are selfish beings! We don’t like the possibility of anything that would disturb our free will, our freedom or our free sleep!!! That’s why we hate it so much when someone even attempts to tell us what to do. So why then make that jump into marriage or even a relationship that lasts longer than say four months? I really, honestly, sincerely don’t know…Its one of life’s many great mysteries. But I have a theory.

OK are you ready for it!?…Are you sure? Cause I want no screaming from your end…I think, no I believe, its because we were not designed to be alone!…AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH what, we weren’t designed to enjoy sleep that lasts more that a few hours? I’m afraid not…unless you’re real lucky to find someone who loves sleep more than you do…although that might become a problem at some stage! Were we not designed, you might wonder, to go through life with no heartaches, no pain? No we weren’t.

We were designed for relationship, to share, to love, to laugh (can you imagine sitting by yourself in your bedroom and laughing hysterically by yourself! – You can – where is the psyche ward? Doc, I think we have a runaway patient here!) We were designed for relationship…or so I believe. It doesn’t necessary mean that by relationship I only mean with the opposite sex. It could be with family, friends, animals (WHAT!?…stop looking at me like that…some people love and treat their four legged friends better than their two legged ones!!) I believe as humans, we thrive on relationships! Now I could go on and on, but let me say this. I figured something out this morning, as I was yelling at my brother and wishing he lived in a galaxy far far away, that I actually do not want to be left by myself with no-one to love me or even bother me in the mornings. I feel a sense of security in knowing my big brother (yes, he is older than me although this morning you won’t have known it!) is there.

When I crashed my car into this lovely ‘fella’ who thought it appropriate to start yelling at me like he couldn’t see I was already stressed out, I just wanted to get home and crawl under my duvet. On getting home, I ran to my room and my brother came in (I didn’t want him there but thank God he was home!) asking what was wrong. Even though I was screaming at him to get out of my face, he got me to tell him I had had an accident and he ran downstairs thinking the person was still there that had given his annoying little sister an ear full so he could repay the favour (isn’t that love!? Almost makes the morning’s madness worth it…no…its still madness to wake me up by shaking me and singing to me!…sorry, got distracted…where were we?). He saw the car and started enquiring to get it fixed, putting my mind at ease that it wouldn’t cost too much to get it done, that it wasn’t as bad and so on. By the end of the hour, I was feeling so good, I went (with that same car!) to get my hair done and was feeling much better! Imagine I didn’t have him. I don’t know if I would have left my bed that day or even maybe for two days after. Relationships, the right kinds, are so important in our growth as people at differing stages of our lives.

So did I go through all that just to tell you I love my big brother? No. I went through all that to explore the meaning of the right kind of relationship and what might constitute the wrong kind. We all have relations with someone; be it our neighbours, our husbands/wives, our children, our siblings, our colleagues, our friends, whoever it may be; we have to relate with other people everyday. Why is this so important I felt the need to write about it? I couldn’t possibly cover all my reasons in this one article (so I’m planning to write much more!!…Watch this space people!) But let me try explaining this particular piece.

I’ve recently been on the road to self-discovery and I’m getting to know who I am and what I was made for.  If for all of my ramblings, all you take away is this, then I am satisfied. We need to start with ourselves.

I’m sure you’re thinking – Start what? Let me tell you. Start building the right kind of relationships by looking inward first. The right kinds of relationships are the kinds that add value to you and the other party. The kind that fortifies you rather than tear you down. The kind that doesn’t hurt or wound you but constantly challenges you to be better. The kind that you can be proud to showcase, not the kind where guilt and shame are your foundations. If you can’t be around someone without constantly being angry or hurt or tearful or insecure or even ending up in a sick bay, then that is definitely not the right kind of relationship I’m talking about.

So how do you build this kind of relationship by looking inward? I believe the only person you can control is yourself. It takes two baby! But you can help the situation by not yelling regardless of how mad they make you. Think of the things you bring to the table when you meet someone new? What are the things that everyone around you complains about in you? Fix it. I’ve been learning that the problem is not ALL out there, some of it is in here too.

By looking inward and starting with ourselves first, we can learn to tolerate a lot more in other people because we start to see that we are not as perfect as we would like to believe ourselves to be. We always have an excuse when we do something wrong because we go based on our intentions and not on the effect of our actions. If we start to look inward, we would have a lot more lasting relationships and marriages out there because people would be willing to work through the challenges and see life through other people’s lenses more. Or if it’s just so we can see ourselves the way others see us, the whole issue of relationship would be a lot easier to discuss.

Even in the extreme case of wanting to see if you can overcome your selfish nature and put someone else first at all times, our families, our relationships, our communities would be all the more better for it. If we are to change anything, we have to do it one person at a time.  So I’m not just ‘preaching’ at you – simply reflecting. I’m going to start with myself first with the expectation it helps me deal with everyone else and their issues easier, better and definitely more effectively as I progress.  Well at least that is my hope… Only time will tell.  Till next time folks!

As I started my journey from my house to work on a Monday morning, hoping to catch some zzz’s on the bus before I reach my destination.  The noise of music coming from nowhere startled me back to reality as I searched frantically around, cranking my head left to right to find out who the culprit is; only to find myself eye balling a grown man dressed in a 2 colour toned suit with his trousers hanging low and double studs in each ear, alarming the bus with an eerie music coming from  last year’s Sony Ericsson phone.

The most amusing sight was that the dude was behaving as though he was God’s gift to women, checking out his reflection from the window, just to make sure the extension he used for his braids were still there. I couldn’t take in the sight anymore and wished I had my ipod on me at the point to distract me.  I sat there wishing I could get the driver to hurry up and drop me off at my stop or make an announcement calling for those causing “visual offence” to hop off board.

This incident got me thinking hard about the point when a boy transitions into a man.  When does this begin in the lifecycle of a male species? I just can not seem to comprehend the logic behind some men’s thinking.   Could it be the X & Y chromosomes tangled up somewhere?  This is not my feminist side rearing its ugly head but my fragile human vessel coming to terms with how we treat each other with lack of respect.

Now I am not against listening to music.  I believe in the use of headphones along with personal audio players – and I emphasis on the word “personal” - although nowadays people think it is acceptable to omit the earphones and use their speakers via their “personal” mobile phones. Are these set of hooligans to blame for its misuse? Manufacturers like Sony are developing the phone for this purpose. I came across the advert for the new Sony Ericsson W995 phone which comes with an additional wireless portable speaker created for the “music lovers”. ‘Gee…thanks a lot’! Bring on the ASBOs.

I seem to have digressed from my main issue with this particular dude; actually there was more than one. This one troubled me with his trousers worn below bum level.  Could someone shed some light on my ignorance perhaps? I just cannot seem to understand the reason behind why guys (from all nationalities, from the age of 14 and above) dress in this manner. It is beyond me, it is not cool but tacky, and it isn’t attractive to us women or is it? (I would love to hear from someone who thinks it is a turn – on).

I once came across a guy wearing his trousers from the knee level down, the top part on show was his boxer pants which stated “Calvin Kline” (no I haven’t made a typo error), Mr Klein must be proud. It was painful watching him trying to walk and still trying to maintain his cool…what foolishness!

Men and earrings; 2 sets in one ear….why – I ask again? Maybe I am the only one struggling to know why we feel we have to conform to the way society looks or behaves to be accepted as an individual within our community or circle of friends. Or could it be I have become out of sync with the definition of “cool”.

Picture this scene with me.  It’s late at night. You are on your way back from a concert that was so utterly shocking in its magnificence that you are buzzing on a natural high. It’s the end of the night and though it’s late and cold, you are feeling like you could go for another 24 hours. Then you get to the station and find out you just missed your train. Not to bother. You’re still on that high. You settled in on the nearest seat or floor space you can find to replay portions of the night in your overly active mind. You’ve got 50 mins to spare so why not.

The train is finally here but by this point exhaustion has started creeping in. It is after all nearly midnight on a Sunday night and there’s work early the next morning. You board the train happy that you’ll be home before you know it. The train starts to move and you get comfortable for the relatively long journey.

That’s when you feel it. That sharp jolt that wakes you from your reverie that you are a member of the band playing to adoring fans of 20000 plus. And you know it straight away. Something is terribly wrong. There is an eerie silence as every passenger stares at each other as if expecting an explanation from the person next to them. The voice that disturbs the silence isn’t a comforting one. “Ladies and Gentlemen. I’m sorry but the next station is where this train will terminate. There is a broken down train ahead of us and due to the time of day there will be no other trains operating past this station.  I’m afraid there are no replacement buses available neither.”

The feeling of dread mixed with rage is unexplainable. You are stuck in an unfamiliar venue with no idea how to find your way home and no money left for a cab assuming you could find a cab station. What to do?

This is the exact dilemma I found myself in a few nights ago. I can’t fully find the words to explain how I felt. I was suddenly very aware of how tired I really was and the chill in the air that enveloped every passenger (now pedestrian) and elongated their already long faces was not a pleasant one. Every question asked of the train conductors were met with a very unhelpful “I don’t ma’am/sir”. On auto- pilot I turned immediately to my iPhone and got on the Internet to plot an alternative route.  None were ideal but beggars really can’t be choosers especially at that time of night. Finding that the only choice I had was to get 3 buses I used Google maps to locate the first bus stop to start my painful journey.

By the time I made my way to the stop there were several people congregated there. Looking across the road by chance I noticed a young man smoking and looking my way. I paid it no mind thinking only of getting home. The bus finally arrived after allowing the cold air to harshly impose under my clothing, through my flesh and settle on my bones.  Getting to the point of my first bus interchange, I looked up and noticed the same guy that was staring at me across the road was also there still looking at me. I still paid it no mind.

After all most people was in the same situation of trying to find their way home and that particular bus station was a central point for those looking to get a connecting bus elsewhere.

The bus finally arrives and I notice this guy boards the same bus and sits opposite me. He gets off at the same stop and crosses the road at the same junction. At this point (as we are the only two on a deserted side road rarely used) I begin to pay attention. He seems familiar but strange at the same time. I turn at a particular juncture and he does the same never overtaking me no matter how slow I walked and seemingly maintaining the same distance from me even when I sped up.

Home is now in sight. I start climbing the steps aware of this same dude when it hits me. I DO know this dude. It’s my next door neighbour. One of the only people who ever checks in on me when I accidentally set off the fire alarm whilst barbecuing something I shouldn’t be in my microwave.  I was distraught. He must think I’m so rude but by then it’s too late for pleasantries.

We’re now in the building and though I hold the door open I can’t bring myself to say anything to him. How do I when I had so purposely ignored him for the past hour?  If I spoke to him then wouldn’t he think I was ashamed to acknowledge him in public; in which case he could just as easily ignore me now in private? By the time I finished analysing the next course of action without resolution we were both at our front doors and the moment was truly past leaving me with a bigger dilemma and a nagging conscience.

See my issue is I’m not sure how to proceed now. The next morning I purposely waited till he’d left home and I was sure there was no chance of an encounter before leaving myself. Thing is I can’t live like this. So what do I do? Do I go knock and say how sorry I am that I didn’t recognise him the night before? Or do I pretend it never happened the next time I bump into him?  I need help on this. Isn’t there a published manual somewhere that talks about the proper conduct for situations like this? Surely it’s needed. Or am I the only silly person who ignores their neighbour till it’s too late to acknowledge them?  Oh the trauma!

Last night though, I got home in enough time to catch the end of The Apprentice. Having nothing else to watch and not wanting to watch the follow-up ‘The Apprentice – You’re Fired’, I decided to channel surf as I had an hour to kill. I stumbled upon a show that definitely had me laughing, cussing and drooling all at the same time. It was a dating show for millionaires who can’t find love.

They go to a matchmaker with a bad fake tan and a loud mouth and she goes out and finds girls to fit their requirements. She then organises a little soiree in which the bachelors interact with all these girls picking their favourite two at the end of the evening. They have one on one time with both girls picking the one they want to go on a ‘first date’ with. It’s an intriguing show. I was definitely kept interested. One of the bachelors was a 39yr old guy from Hawaii who is a children’s author. His net worth is in the millions and to add to it, the guy is gorgeous. He had sandy brown hair and beautiful blue eyes. He was 6′ and well built. This guy was DELICIOUS!

Why is he single you ask? Well it seems our Mr Delicious is an AGEIST! Yeah you heard me, he’s ageist. Though this dude is 39, he would not even look at any female older than 28. The younger the better. Thing is, while this might not be hard considering his good looks and wealth, he also wants a girl who’s brunette, that surfs, loves sports, is career focused, is very intelligent – you get my drift. In short, he wants his perfect woman and he wants her to have stick ability.

So Mr Delicious wants a younger lady who is established in her career and likes the same things he does. Oh and she has to have model looks. Not a slice of fat on her body.

You have to respect the guy whatever your opinions. Thing is the show was centred on the fact that the matchmaker is an older lady who was offended by her client’s discriminating views. She truly believed he could find the girl of his dreams if only he would be open to dating someone older. She sent him to a relationship coach for a chat and then had a soiree with beautiful women in attendance. The only catch, they were all over the age of 28.

The rule at the soiree was that Mr Delicious can not ask the age of the women he spoke to. Everything else was fair game. From the jump you could see he was attracted to a beautiful brunette with a sharp wit and a partiality to surfing. It was a match made in millionaire heaven.

He picked her and took her surfing for the first date. They got on like a house on fire. He was so sprung on her it seemed as though he would ask her to marry him right there and then. And then, the issue of age crept up. It was shocking to see his reaction.

Though our mistress of leisure didn’t look it, she was in fact in her early thirties. For a couple that really liked each other, his complete withdrawal at the end of the date when he accidentally found out her age was a disgrace. I actually cringed.

If this dude hadn’t gotten on with the chick and called her the girl of his dreams before hand, I wouldn’t have had an issue with him. The only reason he ran for the Hollywood Hills, was because she was a little older than 28. I was in shock.

So here’s my issue for deliberation. What do you guys think? If he had been standing in front of me, I would have punched him in the stomach – I’m not tall enough to reach his face even with my heels on! I would have snogged him after but that’s not the point. Are men really that shallow? How do you really hope to get a companion that’s worth her grain if you have so many restrictions in place? Help me out here people. I know men are supposed to be visual creatures but he was attracted to her from the get-go. Its insulting that a woman, who was previously seen as interesting and fun to be around, can be discarded because of her age. What other disqualifiers are there? Her background? The distance between her eyes? When does it stop?

I’ve been on a hiatus – sweet sweet hiatus. Needed some time off to ease some of the pressures I was under but I’m back! So much seems to have changed in my absence – most significantly, I broke up with my ‘boy-friend/thing/irritant’ and am looking to party! I hear cave men everywhere beating their chests in anticipation singing ‘At last’ Beyonce inaugural style!!!!

Having been away from the dating game for a while whilst hooked on the ‘one who wont be named’, it seems that the rules have changed. Before allowing myself to be tied up and locked away, I was quite proficient in the game. I could get whoever I wanted without much effort but speaking to my single girls, it seems that too is undergoing change. Crazy unsettling times indeed!

I’m sure some of you are curious as to where I’ve been. As someone who tries very hard not to live in the past, I’m going to leave that story for another day. The more immediate thing though is I’ve found my rebound-thing and I’m mega confused.

OK here is the issue. I was hooked on my ex thing for over 3 years. Then something major happened and it broke me. Well for a few hours at least. The next day, I decided I was going to enjoy the single life and devote myself completely to it. And then my rebound happened and though I know it’s not a long time thing, I kinda really like him.
As you can tell, I’m not looking for anything heavy. In fact, before I met rebound guy, I wanted to put myself through an experiment when I explore this whole dating thing. No rules – just an exploration of the animal in me – well the kitten anyway. But then rebound guy appeared and he was the perfect guy to get back at the ex with. But now, I’m all confused.
So here’s the scenario. Fun-loving, independent girl meets fun-loving charismatic guy. Girl has just undergone torture Guantanamo bay style at the hands of the ex and is not interested in finding another guy with a new torture technique. Girl is attracted to guy though and wants to see if it will be as good as he looks. Girl accepts date from guy. Girl ends up liking guy’s smooth but easy style. Guy really likes girl (how could he not!!!)Guy wants girl to make a commitment to him. Girl is back to square one.
Before you all rush in and tell me how women are simple emotional beings, please note that I’m not one of those women. I’m as hard as Wolverine’s claws and need no one to ‘complete’ me. But I am a sucker for good conversation and a laugh. And rebound guy is got all this in abundance. The question now is how do I make him see that though I want to carry on getting to know him, I still want to explore myself without a serious relationship in tow? I don’t want to hurt him or end it but I can’t give him everything he’s asking for. What the hell is wrong with men anyway? Why cant all men act like their simple selves – you know their chest beating, wood gathering self as opposed to this game playing devious nature they seem to have adapted!?
Anyway here’s my point of deliberation and it’s not a long one. What is it that women really want? Do we even know? Can women ever really turn on the animal in them the way men can’t seem to turn theirs off? Do you think I can really date/have fun with no strings attached? I’m curious to see what insights you can bring my way. Plus its simply fun to be back!

I’ve been thinking a lot of late about family and how they relate with each other.  Mixing with a friend of mine who is very close to her family made me start comparing and contrasting with how I relate with my family.

Recently, for the first time in a very long time, all my immediate family members were all under one roof.  Being someone who is very used to having my own space, this raised some very unexpected yet serious issues that proved quite difficult to understand and overcome.

Just so I don’t give out the wrong impression of my family (they might be reading!), my immediate family is not a particularly large or difficult one.  It consists of three people – inclusive of myself – but for some reason, having all three of us under one roof, living and mixing with each other day in, day out, tested my patience beyond belief.

This led  me to thinking.  I love my family but living with them can be a bit of a nightmare.  I’m used to getting up in the morning, moving at my own pace, getting dressed with the doors wide open, taking a shower while listening to the loud music coming from my room across the hall and cooking by myself when I feel like it – I think you catch my drift!  Instead, I have to be conscious of the others in the house, keep the volume down on my stereo and get dressed in an enclosed space.  It drove me nuts!

Before you label me selfish, I am very much aware that human beings are not designed to survive and thrive in solitude. ‘No man is an island!’  I get that but it doesn’t stop me from craving just that - my space.  Solitude!  I longed for the times when I was by myself and though at those times I missed my family terribly, I still had time alone.  So what’s a girl to do?  How am I to deal with the conflicting emotions raging within me?

I read somewhere of a woman who was going crazy when going on a holiday.  She was driving to the location with her husband and kids in the car and they literally drove her crazy.  I found the story funny at the time.  I found the fact that she had a break-down in the car when the kids started shouting at each other in the back seat and her husband continuously criticised her driving hilarious.  Little did I know that I would be in a position to relate with her.

I felt it most coming home from work. I was so used to the silence when I opened the front door, being able to pick up my letters and sit on the stairs and read them – all in the peace I needed to gather my thoughts after a long day.  Instead I came in to noise, to someone, somewhere shouting my name and a million questions but no silence!  It drove me up the wall!

Well I didn’t pull out every strand of hair on my head or hit anyone over the head.  As it is my family and I’m no longer a child able to get away with throwing tantrums, I tried to stay open to having my space invaded.  I tried to smile through the millions of questions when all I really wanted was to be left alone!  It did leave me exhausted but I kept reminding myself that it was a temporary set-up.

That was when the balls of thoughts and doubts started rolling.  What happens when this is not a temporary situation?  What happens if instead of my brother or mother, it’s a wife/husband, kids and their friends?  Add the in-laws into the mix and you have a riot!  And remember, there is no mute button, no pause option.  Just life as it brings on the noise!

That was a terrifying thought!  Do you get to choose the days when you are able to handle such situations and the days when you’re not? Is there a sign you could put up to state how you feel so you don’t get disturbed on those days?  Living in close proximity with someone – whoever it may be – has its pros and cons.  For me, I’m scared that the cons could outweigh the pros leaving two options.  A life of noise (exhausting thought!) or a life of solitude.  As much as I love my space, the latter is not my desirable option!

There seems no end to it.  Families seem designed to frustrate and test you.  Mine are not so bad but they do have their moments.  So what then?  I guess I already know the answer but it’s not an easy one.  I know that I’m suppose to work on myself – learn to be more accommodating but I need help!  Can’t I have it both ways?!?

I wonder how men feel in the morning when they wake up next to their wives. Do they think “WOW – I made the right choice” or are they frightened each time they open their eyes?

Women everywhere love their make-up. Even those who do not wear make-up or wear as much as the next woman still care somewhat about her appearance. No one would go out of their house looking as they do when they first roll out of bed. Bed-hair is cute but only if it’s done right! I sure as hell don’t want to see King Kong every morning when I wake up!

A friend of mine once said to me that before she gets married, she would make sure that the guy she was marrying saw her ‘fully’ (that is without her make-up!) before she agreed to marrying him. That is because her greatest fear is having her husband wake up next to her and be afraid of what he saw. She goes to bed with her makeup completely wiped off, her head-scarf tied on real tight, and looking like something out of Scary Movie 3.

For her that is not what she wants her husband to see every morning. She understands that men are very visual creatures and need to be attracted to what they see. She doesn’t want a scenario where her husband no longer thinks she’s sexy simply because he knows what she looks like without her safety net – her makeup!

When she first made this statement, I found it hilarious. Thinking back on it however, I find it to be startlingly true. I wouldn’t want to be fooled into thinking I was getting a package I wasn’t. How many people out there have ordered an item out of a catalogue and when it was delivered, it looked nothing like the picture that was advertised? Do you keep it – or do you send it back faster than you can say UPS?!

I know what I’ll do and it’s just the sad fact that it works the same in relationships. No one wants to be deceived by the make-up, the weave, the fake nails or the fake eyelashes. An episode of ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’ best exemplifies this. In that episode, Will Smith thought he was in love with a beautiful girl till he got stuck with her in a locked basement. With no way out, he had no choice but to deal with the ‘real’ person behind the make-up. Her fake nails, fake hair and fake everything else was all revealed and led to the unravelling of that relationship.

True to form, this works the same in ‘real-life’. I know I don’t want to meet someone who I think I’m attracted to only to find that the very things I thought made up that person were all plastic. That can put a real damper on things.

Another friend of mine never goes to bed until everyone else is asleep. That is because she doesn’t want anyone to see her without her make-up. She also makes sure she rises before everyone else so she can apply her make-up so when people see her, it is with her ‘face’ on. Surely you can see how this would prove a problem. How do you live with such a person? How do you develop or maintain any kind of initimacy with her when she is so afraid to show her true face to you?

For the men who have to endure this, surely the women could have been more honest before putting themselves out there as possessing all these qualities that they lack. If you know you have a weave in your hair, wear it with pride but don’t lie and let the guy believe it’s all yours only for you to remove it before going to bed all the while expecting him to understand.

Men are moved by what they see. We all say that we want good men, the kind that stays for the long run. The kind that compliments you; the kind that pampers and cares for you.

Well the men too want women that are REAL. Women that are not afraid to show themselves as they are – confident that when they do, they would still be beautiful. Women that are honest about what they have to offer and don’t feel they have to overcompensate in any area. The kind of woman that makes you smile first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. The kind that you can be confident won’t change into a different person once the lights go down!