The awards season are officially coming to a close. The glamour. The hype. The speculation. Finally, it’s all drawing to a close and in its wake, we can confidently await the summer epics and small independent movies. This award season for me has been particularly exciting. I’ve loved it mainly because I had seen almost all the movies in the running and was quite excited about the main two – Avatar and the Hurt Locker.  The hurt locker for me was an amazing movie. I had had the chance to see it before all the buzz about it was generated and was genuinely pleased that it was getting the recognition it deserved.  Avatar, though not my favourite movie in terms of storyline, was graphically stunning and well worth a viewing.  This meant that more people were looking for the lower budget but equally stimulating movies as well as the huge blockbusters which were creating a new trend – in this case 3D viewing.

The trends that came on the waves of the award season aside, I have thoroughly enjoyed the innovation that these movies have introduced.  The introduction of 3D televisions – though grossly overpriced – has created a lot of excitement because its something new and different. You can imagine my curiosity then when I heard the term 3DX. I assumed, naively, that like the iPhone 3G and 3GS, it was a bigger, better version of the current 3D options out there.  Shock; Horror – it was not.

It seems that the excitement created over Avatar and the new world of 3D entertainment has been something that the French Porn industry has been anticipating.  And now that the movie has exceeded all expectation, be prepared to enter a new but highly disturbing world of 3DX.  Maybe its my complete reservation to porn in general and its subtle yet destructive nature to all things relational, but I’m truly uncomfortable with the idea. As 3D movies cost quite a substantial amount to make, and the avenue to view them on is not truly universally available, I can at least rest easy for a while yet before this truly becomes an issue. I am curious though to see where this leads.  If people truly would start buying into this new trend.  Worrying thought.  Deeply worrying thought.

To set the scene, I must take you back a few weeks.  You see I met this guy who simply put – took my breath away. He was HOTT. And friendly. And funny.  And easy to talk to. And down to earth.  He had such an easy-going aura about him that I was won over almost immediately.  We got to talking and we connected from the get-go. Many phone calls, emails and texts later, we finally decided to meet up one on one to hang out together.  Till that arrangement, whenever we’d see each other, it was always with a group of friends in tow.

I was beyond excited. I so wanted nothing more than to hang out with him. There was no pressure. I had always just been myself around him so I wasn’t nervous. I was elated at the thought of a few hours in his company. The agreement was that he would let me know the details on the day as he wasn’t sure of his plans. I had no problem with that.

I woke that morning after a relatively restless night with no word from him. As I had no reason to doubt the arrangement made, I assumed I was still seeing him and he would contact me once he was sure of how his day would play out.  By mid-day however, I was quickly moving from excited to nervous.  There had still been no word and I wasn’t sure it was okay to call him.  To my mind, that was almost like stalking the poor dude especially as he said HE would contact me once he knew his plans.  So I waited.

Late afternoon rolled round and by this point, I had lost all hope that I was seeing him. In an effort not to be completely bummed out, I decided to spend some time with my friends.  It was an arrangement that kept me busy but that I could get out of at a moment’s notice.  It also meant I was checking my phone every few seconds.

To be completely honest, I was beyond bummed out. I was disheartened.  I had thought he cared enough to let me know even if he couldn’t make it. I guess I was wrong.  My friends did a fantastic job of keeping me preoccupied and entertained.  Unfortunately for them though, all I wanted to do was talk about him. They patiently listened and comforted me.

Throughout though, I didn’t completely lose hope that he would call. I decided to take a drive with my friends to stop myself from being obsessive.  At this stage I had moved from being nervous to a blank state of mind. I couldn’t believe the situation I found myself in so I deleted the whole thing from my mind’s hard-drive.  An hour later I checked my phone and saw missed calls from an unknown number.  The calls are accompanied by a text message.  It was from the hot guy asking me to call him.  So I did. Only to be told I had called too late. In an effort not to be angry/moody/nagging I said it was no problem. I was out with friends anyway so no issue.  I decided to leave it and put a brave face on it.  I was despairing but there was no need for him to know that.  Later that night, I decided to call him just to talk through it because it bugged me like you wouldn’t believe.

This is the bit of the story that has me in a spin.  He accused ME of being the reason the day’s plans didn’t go ahead.  WHAT?!? Am I in some alternate universe? Is this dude drunk on some cheap wine? How could I possibly be the issue here? I have been, to my mind, very understanding and fair.

I couldn’t even be angry. He sounded extremely upset and this caused my mood move from okay to murderous.  For all intensive purposes, I didn’t kill him seeing as it was over the phone but it did cause me to pause and think.

I’ve heard it said that men and women think differently.  I’ve never argued this point but for creatures who are supposed to be logical, some of the guys I’ve come across can be irrational as hell.  Maybe there was other stuff going on with him I wasn’t aware of. Maybe he was bummed out about his plans. Or maybe he was just playing the classic ‘transference of energy’ game.  All I know is it took all I had not to smash the phone into the wall whilst picturing it was his head I was playing with!

To put things into context, I have since moved on.  But thinking about it in retrospect, I am forced to laugh at how emotionally wound up I was. I liked him so much that I had allowed all common sense to jump out of the window.

I’m still trying to figure out what goes on in men’s heads but for now, I think staying away from them in an order to re-group and gather my free-falling emotions would be wiser.  I am open to words of wisdom for those out there that have any though. Maybe I just need to be schooled in the world of men. Goodness. Sounds like I’m in for the ride of my life. I had better hold on tight!

This morning it was a song about women doing things better than men. Not just doing things better, but doing it better in BROKEN heels! Now every woman out there understands full well that very little can be accomplished with broken heels.  You can’t run for the train. You can’t even walk straight but here is a lady instructing us all that women can do anything a man can and do it better even with broken heels.

I couldn’t help but smile the first time I heard this.  I think in pictures so the picture that came to mind was of a suited woman trying to get to multiple meetings in and around Manhattan.  These meetings are make or break for her career and could ruin her ambitions if it doesn’t go right.  On her way to the first meeting, one of her new Louboutins gets caught on the kerb and she loses half of the heel on her right shoe.  She keeps going. She jumps into the waiting cab with all her files and baggage and keeps focused on the task at hand – all the while angrily ignoring the broken heel of her new pair of shoes. She gets to her destination and walks confidently into the room full of suits and takes control. No one even notices her shoes as she takes command.  Afterwards, she runs into the bathroom to check the damage as her phone begins to shill loudly reminding her that she is almost late for her next engagement.

She runs out into the next cab and as she reaches her next meeting, the next heel, unable to handle holding the added weight, gives way under the pressure.  Flinging the other half heel to the side, she sashays into the next meeting and knocks ‘em dead!

By this point in my moving picture, my smile is beyond huge. I try to picture what a man would do and I could not imagine ANY man being able to handle the different tasks with such confidence after been dealt so many harsh cards – in broken heels!  This is not me saying that men are not as confident. On the contrary. What I am saying is I have seen many women handle these kinds of cards with expertise even though their confidence is shaken to the core!  Very few men I’ve encountered had passed the test in the same way.

I am a woman who works in a pre-dominantly male environment. I am also relatively young in comparison to my colleagues and I have found that this can be a hindrance as well as an enabler – all dependent on the situation.  Based on my experience of working in such an environment I’m normally the one advocating for the men as I feel they are so dumped on when it comes to the gender fight. This time round though, I am in agreement with the singer. It might have to do with the tongue-in-cheek attitude of the song or the fact that I have come to appreciate the strength of women in general.  I’ve seen women display immense strength at times when anyone else would have crumbled.  Perhaps I’m in a place when I’m truly appreciative of the mothers, wives, sisters, and girlfriends I have been encountering all month long.

I work and associate with men in areas of influence in my line of work.  What constantly surprises me is how reliant they are on the nameless women in their lives.  They are the focal point of big companies but they are absolutely weak without their wives who they rely on to keep their home lives in order so they can focus on running the company. Some of these women also hold down a job and are high-fliers in their industries. It’s shocking. Women are not given the recognition they deserve for it though. The men take the glory while the women do all the work. I’m not disputing that we all have our roles to play but I’m in awe of all the women out there doing so much and holding it all together.

Recently there have been a lot of discussions on the issues within our society and who is to blame for this.  I keep hearing the discussions go back to the youths that have been raised in single parent homes and how some of the mothers are not doing so great a job in keeping their kids in line. This is then deemed as the reason why we have so many kids on the streets causing havoc. I agree that the family structure is broken down in our society and the effects of it are felt by all, but each time I have met a single mother, the impression I’m left with is how strong they are. They are not just keeping a home; they are working several jobs, they are keeping themselves fit, they are trying to discipline their kids. Now I know that’s not all single mothers but painting everyone with the same brush surely does more harm than good.  Should we not celebrate those that are putting their all in and getting very little in return?

This is meant to be a light hearted discussion so I’ll take it back to the song.  Women everywhere really do need a mantra that shows their strength and if this song can be to the 21st century what girl power was to the 20th century women, so be it.  Ladies, be fashionable, sexy, hard working, ambitious and kick those boys’ butts! Show them how it’s done – even with broken heels! Are you with me?!!?

I’ve been walking for so long. My legs are starting to burn.  Damn.  I forgot my cash card. Great. I’m gonna have to walk all the way back.  I was trying to avoid the familiar but seems like my subconscious wont let me rest.  I’m back in front of the restaurant.  The one I swore I would avoid. Too many memories.  Maybe I am a whore.

It can’t be.  No – just keep walking.  Oh my goodness.  It is you.  A brief hug and a kiss on the cheek.  No – I’m just taking it easy.  Walking off some heat.  That got a laugh out of you. I really should go.  I can predict what would happen if I stay.  You ask for my company to the restaurant.  I say no. You ask why. Oh – why can’t I think of anything you’d believe?  Maybe I do want to go.

How did I end up here? In your apartment? I don’t even want to watch this stupid movie! OK. Make up an excuse and leave.  You really should get back anyway. You promised yourself no more of this – stick to it.  No No No. Don’t touch me.  Why do you have to look at me like that?

I’m in your bed and now I cant hear myself think.  I don’t want to. I know what the thoughts would be.  They would be – stop! You shouldn’t be doing this. But I don’t know if I want you to stop.  I want to feel you and I’m not ashamed of that. Why are you looking at me like that?

Damn – why did you stop?  No talk of love here – let’s just do this. What?  You love who? C’mon. You don’t love me. You love the idea of me.  Hell – I don’t love me! Boy, you had better finish what you started and shut the hell up. Why wont you just take what I’m offering and get it over with? You’ve done it many times before.

Look. I know you somehow think we’re kindred spirits but this isn’t love.  I give you my body and you take it. Just enjoy it.  Gee.  When did you become so soft? You were always the player and now you’re acting like a sucker. Listen. I don’t know how to do this. Be someone you or anyone would want to be with. I’m not that girl.

Stop. Now look what you’ve done.  Making me cry.  Goodness. Just take me home. I can handle men that use me. I don’t know what to do with men like you.  I’ve heard it all my life that all I’m good for is laying on my back.  You added to that time and again when you did all kinds to me.  Now you reformed? You want to ‘love’ me? I can’t handle this.

I know I haven’t prayed in a while.  Been no reason to. Its not like anyone listens right? OK Well OK. I’ll take a shot at it. If there is a God up there or wherever I’m asking for you to help me.  I can’t do this any more. I know I’m not worth much.  But maybe you could love me anyway? I have nothing to give and all the men that have run through me have taken all I could have given so maybe if there’s a layaway system or something? All I know is I want out. Here’s my cry for help.  I’m not worth much but I’m ready to work my way through.

I’m so tired tonight. I hope there is a God because there’s got to be more to life than what I’ve been dealt. Otherwise, I should just end it here. Or maybe not. Where’s that Bible that church woman gave me the other night??? Oh boy, I’m definitely losing it.  Oh, I’m going back out.

A man once defined insanity as ‘doing the same thing and expecting a different result’. Applying this definition to the New Year euphoria, it seems that most of the world’s population is insane! Every year most people enter into the New Year carrying the same baggage, the same financial woes and set unrealistic targets for eradicating these burdens. Its almost as though the expectation is that once the clock strikes midnight, you shed your old skin and become a new person without delving into your past hurts and working through the healing process needed to thrive in this next level.

Take the American presidency for example. Unless you’re stuck in the Arctic mountains, you are probably aware that America has a new leader. His entire campaign and message was ‘Change you can believe in’. Change not just in America but also all over the world. A much needed message but for those who have been watching the news, it is evident that the change he is after isn’t going to happen in a year. Maybe not even in three to four years. Like any seed that is planted in the ground, there is a season when you can’t see any fruit produced till the right time to harvest it has come.

Unfortunately, it seems some people don’t subscribe to this logic when it comes to their own lives. I get the idea that a new year is meant to bring with it endless possibilities for a new start. This start cannot take root or be sustained however if the past is not dealt. A man or woman going into a new year having not dealt with hurts from the previous year is bound to be left frustrated and discouraged in the new one.

2009 was a very interesting year for me. I started off very excited about all the opportunities the year held. I spent the month of January in limbo as I always do trying to figure out what the year actually held. Then, having believed I had it covered, I started looking into how I could make my plans a reality. By April, I was burnt out. Not because my plans were not coming to fruition, but because I was carrying baggage I hadn’t checked out before embarking on the new journey.

I started feeling disconnected and empty. Before I knew it, another year had passed with nothing achieved. I hid behind my work and tried to justify my lack of efficiency in not having enough time. Relationally I became a dead zone. Hurts from the last year that were unresolved caused me to find fault in all around me. One person hurt me so I cut everyone else out. Its not surprising to find that I felt I was making zero progress in the things that mattered to me.

This might not be your story but I’m sure it’s similar. In any situation, if you leave things to fester while trying to cover it up with perfume, in time, it will cause an outbreak and the stink will be impossible to disguise. Running away from things that have caused you pain and not dealing with it doesn’t cause it to go away. Not checking yourself and your spending wont cause you to get rich. You need to find out what your faults and fears are and embrace them. In knowing what causes you pain or what your weaknesses are and then putting the right plans in place to sort through can you truly grow and thrive.

It sounds basic – foolish even. But think about it. We see it all the time all around us. Take a new relationship for an example. The man or woman entering the relationship having not dealt with the pain their ex-partner caused them will inevitably lead to a disaster. There has been no growth. No understanding of what went wrong. No healing for the pain felt. It is no wonder when such a relationship doesn’t work. It started off on the wrong foot! We all have our shortcomings and things that displease us. Admit it. Don’t suppress it. To do so will be to replicate the past hurts and mistakes – even into the New Year.

2010, I feel is different because I entered the year with a different perspective. Thankfully I have learnt from my mistakes and January has been a month where I’ve achieved more than I did in the latter end of 2009 and even the whole of 2008 and I’m satisfied and happy. My goals are realistic and I keep updating them so as to manage my own expectations. Its definitely a new dawn and I feel alive and up to the task. I am currently reflective because I know how easy it is to slip. This year will not be a repeat of my past but a showcase of my growth and an increase in my ability to do more with my gifts and talents. Make time to do some of the things you want to do. Put a plan in place to sort out your finances. Start saving towards a holiday or a course to better you. It’s a new dawn people – lets not waste it.

“Don’t turn the lights off, Mummy!” the little girl says.

“What are you afraid of darling?”  Her mum asks.

“I don’t know. Monsters and stuff…”  she replies.

Monsters and stuff? It is just her poor little imagination getting the best of her.   While we know she probably has not seen any real life monsters apart from the nicely drawn characters in her cartoons, she truly believes they exist and that belief drives her fears.

As we get older we, it is easy to see why this little girl’s fears are unfounded.  We all know monsters in such a context do not exist.  If we asked a group of 10 children to sketch what they believe a monster looks like, we would get ten very different portraits.  Of course, the child with the most disturbing portrait is probably your next Stephen King.

Although there may be common themes to the children’s drawings such as ugly faces, large claws or sharp teeth, these commonalities can be attributed to the monsters described in children’s fiction rather than any child’s personal encounter with a monster.  However, explaining this to a child is an exercise in futility; for as long as a child thinks ‘monsters and stuff’ exist, then they must really exist.

Thankfully, most children eventually grow out of this phase and probably even smile when they remember how ludicrous their beliefs were.

But do we ever really grow out of the fear of monsters and stuff?  Paranormal Activity was deemed the scariest movie of 2009 but it is my understanding that no monsters or ghosts were actually depicted in this movie.  Audiences around the world became kids again, imagining things existed even though no concrete sign of existence was explicitly shown on screen.

As adults, we should know better than to be afraid of monsters and stuff but we all know this is really not a fear of evil creatures.  It is the fear of the unknown. It is the fear of trying something new.  It is the fear of starting a new relationship.  It is the fear of changing careers.  It is the fear of failing.  It is the fear of not being able to control what happens next.

The fear of the unknown without any previous experience to validate this fear can be very limiting.   Many have lived mediocre lives because they were afraid of change, afraid of what might or might not have happened if they made that change.  Others have gone as far as taking their lives because they could not bear the prospect of not knowing what would happen next.

Yet like the little girl that believed monsters existed without ever having seen one, how can we believe something may or may not happen without ever going through the experience?  And if monsters really did exist, how does the child know that leaving the lights on will scare them away if she has never been face to face with one before? The same goes for us.  How do we know the decisions we take to mitigate our fear of the unknown are the right ones if we have never even experienced what we are afraid of?

Now, this writer is not coming from a position of no fear because I am probably more afraid of the unknown than the average person.  No matter how many self-help books we read, fear is a natural human emotion which we can’t conquer.  Still, the next time you are faced with a difficult decision which brings about this fear, ask yourself; ‘Is my fear justified or am I making up monsters and stuff again?’ Though we might not be able to totally conquer our fears, but maybe, just maybe, we might be able to win one or two personal battles over fear this year.

By the way, I never got to finish the story.  After the girl tells her mum that she is afraid of monsters and stuff, her mum indulges her and replies, “Well, I can leave the lights on if you want but you should know that the tooth fairy and Santa Claus only come when the lights are off so nobody can see them.  Do you really want to miss out on all the gifts they have for you?”

The same question applies to us.  What could we be missing out on because we are leaving the lights on?

*DR in wsj magazine*

Everyone has those moments where it’s almost as though a light was turned on in your head.  It could be the moment you realised the answer to a long standing problem.  Or the moment you see through a distressing situation to the cause of the pain.  It could be the moment you understand the meaning of a frequently used slang.  Whatever the case may be, most people have experienced something of the sort.

Reflecting on the end of the first month of the new year, I had such a moment.  It was a moment of simple clarity.  It’s difficult to explain the feeling but it was almost like a clicking into place of a missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle.  Everything seemed brighter.  The air smelt cleaner.  It was an indescribable feeling of elation.

For a couple of years now, I’ve been walking under a blanket of darkness in relation to a particular venture I had started.  I had stopped it halfway through and couldn’t find a way to get back on board.  I was constantly thinking about it but couldn’t reconcile myself to what I needed to do to get back on top of it.  So it stagnated and dragged on.  The time to complete got prolonged.  What was originally scheduled for a month then took two years.  And then, in a few minutes I got clarity! It was life changing.  I feel completely transformed.  My mindset – in fact all my paradigms are completely renewed.

The moment of lucidity actually occurred at a time when I wasn’t focused on this particular venture.  I was reading about a strong woman in the Obama administration who I have since come to admire.  She is a woman using her natural ability to mix in different social circles to her advantage professionally. She has been dubbed the success behind the Obama ‘brand’.  Her office is a few doors away from Michelle Obama’s and she goes in to meetings with the president’s top officials every morning to weigh in on matters that affect the way the world sees the Obamas.

I was transfixed.  Here was an ordinary woman from New Orleans doing extra-ordinary things every day.  She isn’t necessarily the smartest woman in the world – that is to say she hasn’t found the cure for cancer or a way to stop global warming.  No.  This was a woman I consider extraordinary because of how ordinary she is.  She could be you or me.  She’s just someone who knows how to connect people.  She has built a network of friends who just happen to be world and business leaders, government officials, industry gurus and the like.  She knows what makes people tick.  She turned her assets, unconventional as they might be, in a career path that has made her a force to be reckoned with the domain of politics, trade, finance and education.

The more I pondered on the path my latest role-model undertook to get where she is today; it hit me that my focus for the past two years had been solely on me.  Not just merely centred on me but on all my weaknesses and flaws.  There were numerous but studying this lady’s life story made me realise the importance of studying one’s strengths and playing to them. I don’t know what it was about this realisation that cleared the way to my moment of clarity.  For two years I had been stuck in a rut.  I had struggled to find a way out and no matter what I had tried, I didn’t feel ‘right’ about proceeding.  However, in an instant, what I needed to do became so clear to me that I felt almost stupid.  The answer was so simple I almost didn’t want to acknowledge it.

For some people reading this, it could be a business matter that has you confounded.  Or maybe it’s a relational issue.  The resolutions to the issues you’ve been stumped by seem to be far-reaching or slow-coming.  You’ve almost given up on it.  The focus has been on all the things that have gone wrong.  All the things you are not.  Take a step back for a second.  Maybe study the life of someone who is successful in the area of your rut. It would surprise you how simple the answer is when the moment of clarity comes.

Most people overlooked this lady’s talents.  Her ability to hold parties that are the talk of the town. Her constant smile.  Her quiet strength.  Her ability to relate with people regardless of their background or cultural experience.  For most people, this isn’t a marketable quality.  Well, that quality is what makes her invaluable to the most powerful first family in the world.  That quality is what helps her keep ahead of her peers and has gained her respect in several arenas around the world.  That quality is what makes her extra-ordinary.

What are your assets? How can this be channelled to make a contribution to your community that would make you stand out? This new year – in fact the new decade – for me represents one of community and growth.  The time for reflection went by with the first month.  The plans have been formulated.  Now the ground work needs to be done.  No one is saying it’s going to be easy but then life isn’t easy.  For me, the only route available now is to work on my new mind frame.  I don’t have to be a genius to turn my strengths into marketable assets.  Clarity.  That’s the way forward people!

“We’ve got to fight for this love. If its worth having its worth fighting for. Quitting is out of the question. When it gets hard got to fight some more.”

These are the lyrics of a song that has been floating around inside my head. Whilst the tune is indeed very catchy, it’s not the melody that gave me cause to pause this morning. See when the song was first released, I didn’t necessarily pay particular attention to its lyrics. The artist had recently dealt with the revelation that her husband had been cheating on her and against all the unwelcome media advice that she should walk away from him; she decided to stay the course and work on her marriage.

The song could be seen as defiant when looked at through the lenses of the experience she had just gone through. Or maybe even as tenacious but the song for me didn’t register as relevant to my situation so it was just a good ‘tune’.

Why is this morning different then? Why can’t I stop this tune from invading my private space? Why is it all of a sudden the theme tune to my day or worse still my month?

You see the artist’s situation of having to fight for a love that has let her down or betrayed her trust is something we can all give an opinion about. She decided that fighting to save her marriage was worthwhile and most admired her for it. But what if the situation was that you were fighting to save a love that has only just blossomed? What if the ‘love’ in question is more a ‘like’? Let me paint the scene.

Typical scenario of boy meets girl. Boy likes girl and vice versa. Boy decides girl is special enough to be his one and only. Girl decides boy is ‘interesting’ and wants to explore getting to know him and to see where it all goes. They become friends.  At some point in their friendship, feelings and emotions get in the mix and they become more than friends. Then they have their first fight.  Unfortunately, it’s a biggie. Girl is feeling the pressure of being little miss perfect as she believes that’s how the boy sees her and boy sees girl as being distant and uninterested.  They are at a make or break point.

In come the lyrics of the song.  At what stage do you know something is worth fighting for? No one wants to live with regret and the notion of ‘what if’ for the rest of their lives. In my scenario above, should they try to work it out? If at the beginning stages of a relationship, they are already fighting and hurting each other, is it really quitting to walk away? Or is it common sense to do so?

This is where my head is at.  I can’t see the point at which you can decide something is worth fighting for. Aren’t all things worth fighting for? The couple in my little play could end up being each other’s great loves and walking away without trying to ‘fight’ to save their new relationship is then detrimental to both. On the other hand, one could argue that fighting so much in the early stages of a relationship shows that its doomed from the start and you must save yourself by jumping ship before your emotions get anymore entangled.  So who is right?

I’ve been the main character in the above play when I was only 17 and I must confess its still a sore point for me.  Every time I remember the guy I walked away from regardless of his remorse at not sharing his birthday with me (yes very trivial but a big sticking point to me at the time) I feel a deep sense of regret.  He was perfect to me in every way. With hindsight I can see I walked away over that trivial issue because he seemed too good to be true and I needed to see a negative point about him to make him seem real.

That story didn’t have a happy ending but it does make me wonder if as people we are too quick to throw in the towel on these things. We come up with excuses and logical sounding reasons of why we do so but the bottom line is we are all scared of truly investing in someone who could up and leave tomorrow. So out of that fear, we hold back the best of ourselves from the people we encounter and only give them the side of us that we can handle them walking away from. Is that truly living? Is that truly the essence of love? I hate to admit that I’m with the artist on this one. We’ve got to fight for this love but I’m extending it to say it’s all worth fighting for. Your friendships. Your relationships with family, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend – everything. Unless the relationship is destructive to you as an individual, walking away is the easy option.

At some point we must stand and fight. How else do you reap the pleasures of real intimacy? I for one am slowing coming to the realisation that when you walk away after I show myself to you, this is not because of a fundamental flaw in me. This is not a reflection that I am not a worthwhile person to invest in. instead you simply couldn’t handle it either because of your own weakness or because you are not meant to be in my life. What doesn’t kill me can only make me stronger right? I didn’t die at 17 when I walked away from that relationship. It makes me value people more and I’m now one for communication.  Maybe the problem is you are going too fast and need to slow down. Whatever the case, no more running for me. I’m all for staying and fighting for what could be mine.

The word love has been glamorized in the media and in our minds.  When we think of love, we imagine walks in the park, sharing a desert, dancing to music in the night, pillow fights, beautiful conversations, making love all night long and all the nice things portrayed in movies and novels.  These things are indeed beautiful and hence we believe love is beautiful.

But this is the problem.  How can love be beautiful when at its deepest, love can be hurtful, love is suffering, and love can be painful.  This writer dares to say love is not these beautiful things but rather that love is ugly.

There is a belief that to be in love, we must experience all these beautiful things to validate the love.  But that cannot be right.  Take an example of an old couple who have been together for 25 years.  The couple cannot be expected to make love all night long for fear of cardiac arrests.  Nor will they probably have conversations till the early hours of the morning because they must have said it all in the past.  But there is no doubt that after 25 years, it must be love keeping them together.

Their love is refined and has stood the test of time.  Staying with someone for 25 years takes a lot of hard work, compromise, suffering, patience, and humility.  These are painful things that one must go through before you can truly say you love someone.  For how can you say you love someone and not be ready to compromise?  Compromise is an act of selflessness which goes beyond the normal human behavior for human beings are not born altruistic.  But compromise is painful and comes at the expense of your pride and ego.

This writer only realized what true love was when he stripped away his pride and ego to beg for the forgiveness of the one he loved even though she did him wrong in the first place.   To complicate matters, she had already started seeing someone else quite soon after the break up and this writer was still willing to overlook that and ask her back.  This is difficult for a man to do because a man is his ego and quashing that ego is as good as emasculating him.  Unfortunately this is not one of those stories that ends happily ever after and this writer had to endure rejection from the one he loved and once shared his life with.

And we have heard so many stories like this one and some a lot worse about the pain that comes with love.  A pain so great, so many love souls are willing to defy all logic and sell their self worth to make the pain go away.  A pain so great that even the God of the universe sacrificed his only son for the sake of love.

You know you are in love when you are ready to endure suffering for the sake of the one.  You know you are in love when you are ready to compromise your self-worth for the object of your affection.  You know you are in love when you are willing to embrace the weaknesses of your other half even if these flaws are detrimental to your happiness.  How can love be beautiful then?

Yet we still love and love again.  Yet we still hurt and suffer more.   For everyone that says ‘I love you’ must be tested.  You can never really prove how much you love someone till you show how much pain you are willing to suffer for them.  True love and perfect love is shown at the point of the most suffering.  It is at this most painful point, when all is said and done, when all facades are peeled away, that you still stand there for the sake of love.

I conclude by reminding us of that popular quote; ‘Love conquers all”.  There can be no conquest without a fight. There can be no fight without enduring pain.

Do you still love me?

OK so I’ve been thinking a lot recently about marriage and what makes some work and why some so quickly (as quickly as 18hrs!) fall apart. Surely you knew before getting into it that this person had faults but you were in love with them and willing to overlook or tolerate these inadequacies! … So what happens? How does one decide to forego their freedom and sleep (O sweet sleep!) to spend their lives caring and sharing with another human being? Now I know we humans…yes all of us…are selfish beings! We don’t like the possibility of anything that would disturb our free will, our freedom or our free sleep!!! That’s why we hate it so much when someone even attempts to tell us what to do. So why then make that jump into marriage or even a relationship that lasts longer than say four months? I really, honestly, sincerely don’t know…Its one of life’s many great mysteries. But I have a theory.

OK are you ready for it!?…Are you sure? Cause I want no screaming from your end…I think, no I believe, its because we were not designed to be alone!…AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH what, we weren’t designed to enjoy sleep that lasts more that a few hours? I’m afraid not…unless you’re real lucky to find someone who loves sleep more than you do…although that might become a problem at some stage! Were we not designed, you might wonder, to go through life with no heartaches, no pain? No we weren’t.

We were designed for relationship, to share, to love, to laugh (can you imagine sitting by yourself in your bedroom and laughing hysterically by yourself! – You can – where is the psyche ward? Doc, I think we have a runaway patient here!) We were designed for relationship…or so I believe. It doesn’t necessary mean that by relationship I only mean with the opposite sex. It could be with family, friends, animals (WHAT!?…stop looking at me like that…some people love and treat their four legged friends better than their two legged ones!!) I believe as humans, we thrive on relationships! Now I could go on and on, but let me say this. I figured something out this morning, as I was yelling at my brother and wishing he lived in a galaxy far far away, that I actually do not want to be left by myself with no-one to love me or even bother me in the mornings. I feel a sense of security in knowing my big brother (yes, he is older than me although this morning you won’t have known it!) is there.

When I crashed my car into this lovely ‘fella’ who thought it appropriate to start yelling at me like he couldn’t see I was already stressed out, I just wanted to get home and crawl under my duvet. On getting home, I ran to my room and my brother came in (I didn’t want him there but thank God he was home!) asking what was wrong. Even though I was screaming at him to get out of my face, he got me to tell him I had had an accident and he ran downstairs thinking the person was still there that had given his annoying little sister an ear full so he could repay the favour (isn’t that love!? Almost makes the morning’s madness worth it…no…its still madness to wake me up by shaking me and singing to me!…sorry, got distracted…where were we?). He saw the car and started enquiring to get it fixed, putting my mind at ease that it wouldn’t cost too much to get it done, that it wasn’t as bad and so on. By the end of the hour, I was feeling so good, I went (with that same car!) to get my hair done and was feeling much better! Imagine I didn’t have him. I don’t know if I would have left my bed that day or even maybe for two days after. Relationships, the right kinds, are so important in our growth as people at differing stages of our lives.

So did I go through all that just to tell you I love my big brother? No. I went through all that to explore the meaning of the right kind of relationship and what might constitute the wrong kind. We all have relations with someone; be it our neighbours, our husbands/wives, our children, our siblings, our colleagues, our friends, whoever it may be; we have to relate with other people everyday. Why is this so important I felt the need to write about it? I couldn’t possibly cover all my reasons in this one article (so I’m planning to write much more!!…Watch this space people!) But let me try explaining this particular piece.

I’ve recently been on the road to self-discovery and I’m getting to know who I am and what I was made for.  If for all of my ramblings, all you take away is this, then I am satisfied. We need to start with ourselves.

I’m sure you’re thinking – Start what? Let me tell you. Start building the right kind of relationships by looking inward first. The right kinds of relationships are the kinds that add value to you and the other party. The kind that fortifies you rather than tear you down. The kind that doesn’t hurt or wound you but constantly challenges you to be better. The kind that you can be proud to showcase, not the kind where guilt and shame are your foundations. If you can’t be around someone without constantly being angry or hurt or tearful or insecure or even ending up in a sick bay, then that is definitely not the right kind of relationship I’m talking about.

So how do you build this kind of relationship by looking inward? I believe the only person you can control is yourself. It takes two baby! But you can help the situation by not yelling regardless of how mad they make you. Think of the things you bring to the table when you meet someone new? What are the things that everyone around you complains about in you? Fix it. I’ve been learning that the problem is not ALL out there, some of it is in here too.

By looking inward and starting with ourselves first, we can learn to tolerate a lot more in other people because we start to see that we are not as perfect as we would like to believe ourselves to be. We always have an excuse when we do something wrong because we go based on our intentions and not on the effect of our actions. If we start to look inward, we would have a lot more lasting relationships and marriages out there because people would be willing to work through the challenges and see life through other people’s lenses more. Or if it’s just so we can see ourselves the way others see us, the whole issue of relationship would be a lot easier to discuss.

Even in the extreme case of wanting to see if you can overcome your selfish nature and put someone else first at all times, our families, our relationships, our communities would be all the more better for it. If we are to change anything, we have to do it one person at a time.  So I’m not just ‘preaching’ at you – simply reflecting. I’m going to start with myself first with the expectation it helps me deal with everyone else and their issues easier, better and definitely more effectively as I progress.  Well at least that is my hope… Only time will tell.  Till next time folks!